I am, I am, I am
A poem – a product of poets
A beekeeper’s daughter’s son

The times are tidy
The water’s tides neat esplanades
Four salmon, three grayling, two trout

Flute notes from a reedy pond
Feeding patterns from the Chena River
Thaumaturgic precipices and cascades

Suicide off Egg Rock
Suicide by gas
Suicide by hanging

The disquieting muses
Obdurate ghosts left ice cold
Like wet jewels on a high chair

—

This poem was submitted from a Sun Star reader about former faculty member Nicolas Hughes who passed away almost four years ago.  The italicized lines of each stanza are from Hughes’ mother and the final line is inspired by a line of poetry written by his father.

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I’ve been dating the same girl for two years, and our relationship is great.  But we’ve run out of new date ideas.  Any suggestions?

Sincerely, Hopelessly devoted to dinner and a movie

Dear Same Restaurant Every Weekend,

You need some new experiences and feelings in your life.  Try attacking your girlfriend and putting her head in the toilet.  A swirly is something she’s probably never experienced one before or at least hasn’t had one since middle school.  All the excitement will get the adrenaline running!  Where you go from here is up to you, but it’s sure to spice things up.

Love, The Sun Star Love Gurus

—

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

Valentines Day is coming up and I’m alone. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely, I Don’t Want To Be Bored

Dear Bored on a Thursday Night,

Roommates all out with dates?  You can be too.  Try finding some actual dates, you know, the Middle Eastern kind that people eat with figs and pita bread.  Who needs love when you’ve got Middle Eastern snacks?  Not you, that’s for sure.  To truly make this a night to boast about, crank up some Persian pop music and try out your sweet belly dance moves to show off at your next party.  Your couple friends will be so jealous, we swear.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

—

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I’ve had classes with this one guy for literally years, and I’ve always thought he was pretty cute.  We finally had a conversation a few weeks ago.  Where do I go from here?

Sincerely, Girl next chair over

Dear Unnoticed for So Long,

When he says “hey, what’s the homework assignment again?” don’t roll your eyes because it’s obviously written on the board.  Yell “MY BODY” and hope that leads to a coffee date.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

—

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I am always hella friendzoned.  Help.

Sincerely, I want more, dammit!

Dear Friendzoned as Balls,

You’re too nice, obviously.  Isn’t that the ultimate friendzonee problem?  What you need to do is turn to a life of crime and debauchery.  Beat up some thugs, sell drugs, steal something expensive, do some jail time, kill someone’s pet, etc.  After that, no one will think you’re a nice guy.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

—

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

How do you let a guy down easy?  ”I just want to be friends” is so overused, but “dude, I don’t like you at all” seems too harsh.  What should I do?

Sincerely, Man Magnet

Dear Attractor of Men,

It is best to flat out lie.  When he says, “Babe, you’re the one for me.”  You say, “Wow, you’re the first guy to talk to me since I got out of prison.  I never thought anyone would look at me like this again.”  This will probably get him running.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

—

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I have a significant other that wants to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t believe in such patriarchal constructs. What should I do?

Sincerely, Commercialized & Confused Feminist

Dear Valentines Veto,

Hide.  Honestly, dude?  You should just hide.  I suggest under the sink.  No one ever thinks to look there.  You can ride out the storm and reemerge on Feb. 15.  Just in time to go buy all the on-sale candy!

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

What type of person do you, dear reader, think of when you hear the word ‘engineer’? Let me tell you what you see. You are visualizing a person in thick glasses sitting behind a desk crunching numbers on a notepad while referring frequently to heavy books and manuals. This person is someone who doesn’t understand the constructs of society or how to relate to people in his or her life, and has difficulty talking in front of a group of people much less to someone who may inquire about their inner most secret desires.

This person deals in numbers, and not in concepts that aren’t based in fact. In short, this person would rather work alone behind a closed door than in a team where, heaven forbid, they might find themselves dealing with confrontation.

Hi, my name is Clayton and I am an engineer, or more accurately an aspiring engineer. I am here to tell you that you are wrong–imagine the audacity of an engineer to tell you that. As an engineer it is necessary, I would say imperative, that I learn the skills it takes to relate to society and communicate with others because if it weren’t for people and their differing needs I would not have a job. I can “engineer” to my heart’s content, but if I don’t have someone to show it to or use my designs what purpose would that serve? Well, I guess it means I would have a smaller ego because of the fact that I’m the only one who can truly appreciate what I’m capable of doing.

As fellow students of this great university, you may have noticed that this place seems overrun with engineers. There are petroleum engineers, the ones who think that oil is truly the only thing that keeps this world turning; electrical engineers, the ones who have the largest egos and think they are the very pinnacle of “elite” mechanical engineers, the ones who can’t make it as electrical engineers and in turn fall back to the next best thing; civil engineers, the ones who spend all their time playing with dirt and many more obscure types.

Obviously I find myself among the “pinnacle of elite.” The fact that I am of a higher class than the typical undergrad is often played off as a poor attempt at a joke, but that thought presents itself often enough that it has become ingrained into my very soul. Each engineer feels that he or she is crucial to keeping this poor planet of ours in orbit, and without them things would just fall apart. I pity the liberal arts student who tries to explain to the engineer how the liberal arts are in fact more important to society than engineers.

Engineers are proud people. Do not even think about insulting them. You can never dream of understanding the work they do. Heaven forbid if you should ask what they are working on. Trust me, you do not want them to start explaining. You will find yourself listening to a long discourse on a topic for which you couldn’t care less.

As a new writer in the Sun Star I would like to hear from you! If you have any questions for an engineer and would like a unique perspective please email them to editor@uafsunstar.com. I may even give you a serious and well-contemplated answer if I, in my supreme knowledge, deem it as a topic of interest. Until next time, enjoy the beginning of your spring semester!