Because I’m full of original thoughts, I decided this week’s article was going to be How to Survive Finals. It is my eighth and final semester here at UAF and I have been through my fair share of finals inspired nausea, headaches and bad coffee. So without further ado, here are some of the tips and tricks that have gotten me through this particular brand of academic hell:

1. Coffee. I know that this isn’t really that healthy for you, drinking coffee in crazy amounts, but in all honesty, I think it works. As someone who probably has a mild caffeine addiction, I need coffee in order to function on a daily  basis. When I am stressed and not sleeping well because all I can think about are tests, coffee gets me through my day. Maybe it is just psychological, but it works.

2. Eat what I want. In all honesty, for this one week of my life, I allow myself to eat what I want, when I want. If I want macaroni and cheese from a box and then three cupcakes, cool. Usually, I try to stay on top of my junk-food addiction, as much as being forced to eat at the Wood Center everyday allows. However, feeling guilty over what I’m eating is one more level of stress that I don’t need during finals. So for just one week, I don’t think about it and let what goes in my mouth, go.

3. Try to remember other people are stressed too. It is really easy for me to turn into an asshole during finals week: I don’t sleep well, I’m stressed, I’m crashing from  a caffeine high and the vending machines are all out of Twix bars. All of this combined with my super low tolerance for stupidly tends to equal a general hatred for the masses.  I have to remind myself, “Self, these people are trying really hard at life too. Don’t throw anything at them.”

4. Stay away from alcohol, completely. Drinking is for celebrating after all my tests are done, not for preparing to take them. My friends and I have a silent agreement: no alcohol the weekend before or the week of finals. We need to stay focused, not sloppy.

5. Study reasonably. It is really easy for me to freak out and push myself to study to a point that is a little bit ridiculous. There is no need to pull all-nighters, unless some sort of study-related catastrophe occurs, like your computer dies and takes with it your research paper. In all honesty, if you feel like you need to pull an all-nighter, you didn’t manage your time very well, and you deserve no sympathy. It isn’t like finals week jumped up and surprised you; it has been there forever, waiting. Also, frantically riffling though your notes ten seconds before the exam is pointless and does nothing except mentally freak you out. If you don’t know the material by then, you never will, so don’t have a panic attack. Take a deep breath, say a little prayer and go.

I hope you all manage to have a decently okay finals week, and make it to the weekend without too much psychological damage. I already have plans to hit up Karaoke and dancing this weekend, and I’m holding on to that like a mental lifeline. Good luck, ladies and gentleman. Go forth and prosper.

I tend to travel a lot, both because I am a Foreign Languages major and because my boyfriend is European. I also genuinely enjoy traveling and try to do so as often as possible. The only part I have become to really dislike about traveling are the inevitable questions and the dramatized fascination I get from people when they figure out I am from Alaska. Over the years I have compiled a list of ridiculous questions and comments I have received from all those non-Alaskans:

1. Do you have seasons? Yes, I know that Alaska is known for its severe winters. I am aware that most people hear about the snow and the cold and the darkness. The fact that most movies about Alaska exaggerate the dangers of the cold and dark, (30 Days of Night, I’m talking about you) and does nothing to help how others perceive Alaska. However, whenever someone asks me, “Do you have like…seasons in Alaska?” a small part of my soul dies.

2. Do you live in igloos? This question is cute coming from a seven year-old. It’s painfully pathetic to hear it from the mouth of a grown man.

3. Do you have grass? No, absolutely not.  In fact, we have nothing on the ground but snow, rocks and the bones of the ones that didn’t survive.

4. How do you go outside when it is that cold? Yes, winters can be dangerous if not handled correctly. However, the look of near awe I see on people’s faces when I tell them how cold winters typically are always serves to make me uncomfortable. I am not a super hero because I live in a place where the temperature drops to -40 below zero. In fact, that doesn’t make me special at all. I don’t even know how to change a flat tire, for goodness sake and people in California know how to do that.

5. Do you have a pet penguin? Let’s just clear this one up right here and now. The only time I have seen a penguin was at the zoo, just like most of everyone else.

6. Aren’t you afraid you’re going to be eaten by a bear or something? Surprisingly, a lot of people seem to think Alaska is teeming with dangerous wildlife, all intent on eating unsuspecting humans. While Alaska does have its fair share of bears and moose and other possibly deadly animals, living here isn’t some alternate version of “The Hunger Games.” I don’t have to carry a crossbow on me when I go to the supermarket and to be quite honest, most wild-animal attacks occur due to human  idiocy, not because the animal was craving homo-sapiens.

I really could go on and on, because sadly, most people seem to be highly misinformed regarding Alaska and life here. I’m sure most areas in the world have this problem—for example, Germans are drunk pretty much always, and your bed is full of giant, poisonous insects if you’re Australian, but still. Neither of those things are really completely true, but someone it has become common knowledge. Alaska bears the same false-advertisement, and it can be incredibly annoying.

Do we have grass in Alaska? I can’t even.

As college students, I am sure that most of us have dated, are currently dating or plan to in the future. Dating is tricky, especially as college students, because we are all experiencing a very transitional period of our lives. Some of us are here only for college, and plan to leave as soon as we graduate; some of us are graduating and are leaving; and some of us are going to be here for quite some time. All this coming and going leaves a lot of opportunities for us to meet new people and sometimes meeting new people leads to adult feelings. While ending up in a serious relationship in college can be a wonderful experience, the transitionary nature of the university can sometimes lead unsuspecting couples into the dreaded LDR.

I myself am currently in a Long Distance Relationship, and here are my top three least favorite aspects:

1. The inner, crazy version of myself. I wholeheartedly believe that we all have crazy versions of ourselves deep down inside. Normally, we don’t allow the crazy parts of ourselves out into public, but sometimes it is hard to keep the psychopath quiet. Especially while surviving a LDR, there are times when the crazy-me is loud and incessant. Who is going to be at that party he is going to? Will he be drinking? What does he mean, he is going to meet a friend?

Thankfully, I very, very rarely allow the little, psychotic version of myself to influence rational, regular me’s actions. LDR’s are hard and take a lot of trust, but constantly worrying about where my boyfriend is going or who he is with would drive me insane, and drive him away. The way I see it, if he is going to cheat on me, he is going to cheat on me whether I am physically there or not.

2. Being cock blocked is ten times worse when there is a time zone to worry about. This is seriously annoying, let me tell you. With the present technology, Skype and apps like Line make LDR’s much more manageable, especially if you both are sexually active. While thinking about having sexy-times over the phone or computer may sound super awkward and embarrassing, it doesn’t have to be. What is awkward and embarrassing is when you have to ask your roommates to not be around for a few hours because sex is now a highly planned event. LDR’s can literally drain all the spontaneity out of your sex life.  You can’t just go for it when the mood strikes you anymore, because there are time differences, computers that need to be plugged in and roommates to worry about.

3. Texting is so time consuming. Normally, texting doesn’t bother me, because I do it all the time, not just with my boyfriend. However, trying to have really important conversations or even arguing over text is both stressful and ultimately disappointing. Words are conveyed differently over text because a lot is lost between the black and white letters. Plus, having face-to-face conversations means that your attention can be solely focused on each other. Texting does not guarantee that, and neither does it guarantee a quick reply.

LDR’s can be tricky but they can also be fulfilling in other ways. If you find yourself facing the long distance option, especially as graduation approaches, try not to freak out too much. LDR’s are possible, I promise.

Life sometimes sucks a lot more that I think is really necessary. This is a thought that travels through my mind more often as finals week approaches. Usually the dread that normally fills my stomach with a nauseating prickle is caused entirely by Past Me and her idiocy. I’m sure you all know to what I am referring.

Past Me is the you that decided to not do laundry and so now Present Me has to choose between not wearing underwear or turning the least rank pair inside out. Past Me is also the person that ate an entire large, pepperoni pizza and now Present Me is sitting on the toilet, wondering if her sphincter has been replaced with a volcano.

In most cases, Past Me is not well liked by Present Me, and in the case of my upcoming graduation and the week of finals, this premise holds true. I mean, it isn’t a surprise that finals week is going to occur; nor is it shocking that graduation is May 12. In fact, I downloaded some sort of countdown widget on my phone so I can stare at it longingly as the days go by and the twelfth of May approaches. The real problem, is Past Me.

Past Me thought it would be an excellent idea to save all of my really important projects and papers for now, because The Walking Dead is a really good show. Past Me also decided to half-ass a lot of the research that went along with these projects and papers because late-night Imgur is a roller-coaster ride of entertainment. This has forced Present Me to stare in horror at her agenda and wonder how in the seven hells she is going to get everything done.

The result is that I am emotionally unstable and liable to start crying for no apparent reason. Three times this week I, as quietly as possible, sobbed into my llama-shaped pillow and bemoaned the self-perceived injustices of my life. On Thursday I almost started crying during a test for no other reason than it was Thursday and I was taking a test. Sometimes, I cry in the shower because I think it’s poetic.

Really, Present Me is a basket case, and if she could get her hands on Past Me, violence would ensue. The stress of graduating, plus the stress of school, plus the stress of finding a Real Adult Job has combined to create a horrible, disgusting tangle of self-hatred and binge-eating. But because I am an extremely responsible adult, I refuse to take responsibility for my life as it is, and instead blame it on idiotic Past Me and her inability to do anything but watch Netflix and sleep.

These next few weeks are going to be brutal, and I’ll probably gain ten pounds, so I can add fat and ugly to my list of reasons why My Life Sucks. But fear not! Johnny Bravo has just been added to Netflix.

This week I need to rant, because I just spend most of my weekend stuck in Anchorage, on what was supposed to be a Girl’s Weekend Out and turned into I Hate The Human Race weekend.

The weather in the Wasilla/Anchorage area this weekend was terrible. Winter is being overly attached and not taking rejection well. As a result, the amount of snow I’ve seen fall from the sky in the past 72 hours is both disheartening and majestic.

However, while it is April and spring really should get its act together, we all live in Alaska. Deep down inside, no one is really that surprised that it is snowing this late in the year. We all just like to “shock” our Facebook friends with pictures of our cars and Facebook status updates mentioning the level of precipitation. However, if we are all being perfectly honest, snow, while annoying in April, is still snow and as an Alaskan, not that extraordinary.

So, I pose the question: Why do people not know how to drive in it?

I was witness to some legitimately idiotic driving this weekend, in which I was not only afraid for my life, but severely annoyed. At one point, I actually witnessed a man drive down the breakdown lane of a highway going around 80 m.p.h. He chose the breakdown lane because he is an idiot, and because the other lanes were full of cars stopped by the authorities due to an accident. So you know where Mr. Break Down Lane ended up? No where at all, because everyone was being forced into a complete stop, regardless of their idiotic driving methods.

One accident of many, might I add. Accidents were so frequent in fact, that an entire stretch of the highway was closed off. Cars had to be redirected into Eagle River, and then back onto the highway at a different exit, at which point there was another accident so everyone had to sit and wait again.

This weekend, I watched people speed, run stop lights, ignore stop signs, change lanes in the middle of intersections, go into reverse with no warning…. you name it, it happened. I just don’t understand. Is there a particular reason why snow in April lends itself as justification for driving like an utter imbecile, or did I just miss the memo?

For anyone going down to the Anchorage area in the next few days, please be careful. The weather has made the roads slippery and snowed-in. I’d worry more about the other people driving, though. If you can call what they are doing with their vehicles driving, that is.

As most of you already know, the residents of Wichersham Hall had to be relocated for about a day this past week. There was a problem with the heating system, which basically meant we had no heat. Since we all live in Alaska and the weather has been weirdly cold, that was a little bit of a problem.

For those of you that don’t live in Wickersham, let me fill you in on some things. Fire alarms here in Wick, are commonplace and expected. In fact, most of us have become utterly desensitized to the piercing, you-will-never-hear-properly-again ring of the alarm. Subsequently, when the alarm on Wednesday afternoon, I was relatively unfazed. In fact, I was annoyed it was happening at all. Thoughts like,  “I’m watching Netflix, fire alarm” and “I’m in my fat pants, fire alarm,” ran through my head as I briefly contemplated ignoring it all together and staying inside.

After deciding that I am not enough of an idiot to ignore an alarm, I calmly  took time to go to the bathroom, find new, warmer clothes and hunt for my sneakers. I have many shoes, but I wanted my sneakers and I wasn’t leaving without them. My roommate checked the door handle, commenting, “It’s not hot so we are probably fine” and helped me search for my missing footwear. This is not smart, and really I’m not promoting this kind of behavior. You have to understand though, most of the time the fire alarm goes off because someone burnt their dinner again.

Once my roommate and I were outside, we saw smoke billowing out from the second floor windows and realized that maybe, just this one time, this fire alarm was not a drill.

Being homeless, as we all affectionately referred to our states that Wednesday and Thursday, sucked. Residence Life was wonderful, making sure we all had rooms elsewhere on campus to stay and money to buy food, but it was still an inconvenience and inconveniences are annoying. I’m near positive I checked UAF alerts 500 times if I checked in once. I wanted back into my dorm, away from desk attendants and communal bathrooms and I wanted to change my underwear. I only had one clean pair left the day of the alarm, and I couldn’t exactly do laundry after being evicted.

Getting the news that the dorm was being reopened was the best day of my life. I have never been so happy to see the dinged carpet of Wickersham’s first floor hallway in my life. Even the fact that the dorm smelt faintly of soggy, boiled gym socks did nothing to dampen my enthusiasm.

All in all, this whole experience was something I could have lived without and I guess the moral of this story is this: fire alarms are serious business and I should do my laundry more often.

We all know how distracting the internet can be. I’ve always considered it a pity that so much school work in this day and age require the internet. Only because I find it much easier to amuse myself on Reddit and Facebook than research the foreign policy of King Henry VIII. Even more easily, I find myself watching whole seasons of TV shows instead of doing my Japanese homework.

In this spirit, I’ve decided to share with you all what I did this past spring break, so you can all judge how irresponsible I really am.

1. I created an account on Imgur. I’ve been lurking on this website for years, but never got around to becoming an official member. Instead of working on the blog my teacher gave for homework during break, I became a member of the Imgur community and then spent hours liking and commenting on photos to earn reputation points. Do these points mean anything? No, not really, but I wanted them and laughing at Cyanide and Happiness comics, silly animals and photos using “a banana for scale,” was much more entertaining than creating a blog. I’m sure my teacher understands.

2. Netflix. Oh, sweet Buddha, did I watch Netflix. Instead of enjoying the relatively nice weather we have been blessed with recently, I stayed in my dorm room and watched TV. In fact, I didn’t even have the class to sit at my desk with my computer. No, I laid in bed, curled up with a pillow and watched hours and hours of TV as my computer slowly overheated. To get a better understanding of how much time I really wasted, here is a list of what I watched:

a. Doctor Who. I think I watched four seasons of this. Four seasons. In about two days.
b. Downton Abbey. I watched the complete first season of this, by yelling and the computer screen and eating carrot sticks.
c. Sherlock. For those of you that don’t know, Sherlock has three, hour and a half episodes per season. There are three seasons. I watched all of them in one day.
d. Weeds. Season eight finally came out on Netflix, so of course, I had to watch this, in its entirety.
e. Skins. I didn’t even really like this show, but I watched the entire first season anyway.
f. Arrested Development. I’ve seen this show at least three times. However, I rewatched it all anyway.

3. I hung out with friends. Occasionally, I would be social, and by social I mean drink. My friends decided that since it is spring break, we have to consume alcohol because that is what college students do. Of course, I then used the excuse of being hungover as rationalization for spending the entire following day watching Netflix.

That is literally all I did over spring break. I should have been doing homework, or spent a day or two in the art studio finishing up some projects, but nope. I watched Netflix, browsed the Internet and slept. Maybe I should start reevaluating my priorities.

The weather has finally taken a turn for warmth–I’ve stopped checking the weather reports because I refuse any reality except for my own–and soon we all might be experiencing a spring that the rest of the world can recognize. I am super excited about this, because I hate the cold with a passion that I cannot describe. However, I’ve noticed that a lot of people aren’t as excited as I am for the Season of Love. I’ve asked around and here is the general consensus as to Why Spring Sucks:

1. Melting equals slush. As excited as I am for the snow to finally be gone, a lot of people are worried more about the between stage of snow and no-snow. One of my friends was wondering if she should invest in rain boots, since she rather likes her current sneakers. I can mostly agree with this, as having the ground covered in two inches of wet, dirty slush is not exactly my idea of a pool party. However, sacrifices must be made for the greater warmth and if my sneakers are what it takes, then so be it.

2. Slush freezes at night. Okay, this point I can agree with. I absolutely hate the stage of transitioning into spring in which it is nice and melty-warm during the day, and then at night the temperature drops enough to make everything freeze. When you wake up in the morning, the world has become a giant death trap, and I end up falling into the one mud puddle that stayed wet.

3. The world is an ugly, ugly, place. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or something, but as the snow melts to make room for spring, the world is pretty gross. Mud and dirt mix with snow, the gravel from the roads clog street drains and always manages to get into your shoes and the general landscape is a sickly brown-grey. I always try to ignore this stage of almost spring. There really isn’t anything redeeming about it, other than, the snow is melting.

4. Extended hours of sunlight. I was actually surprised to here this as a reason people didn’t like spring, but after giving it some thought, I guess I can understand why. We have gotten used to living in the dark and the sun is like a tantalizing dream. Everyone wants to be outside, basking in its golden rays but we can’t, because we have classes and homework and tests to study for. It’s a cruel joke on us poor students and teachers, leaving us staring longingly out the window.

Regardless of any of the reasons I just listed, spring is on its way. And regardless of some of the more negative aspects of its arrival, I am excited. I am ready to put my down jacket away, put on my sneakers and slip into some mud.

You’re out with friends, having a game night, playing pool, singing karaoke and drinking beer, and then someone brings out a bottle of tequila. Even though you know what happens when you drink tequila, you somehow end up drinking tequila. You’re warm and fuzzy, the world is gently spinning, you feel invincible, happy and all is right with the world.

And then you wake up the next morning, sprint to the bathroom and watch all of those warm and fuzzy feelings swirl down the toilet. Yes, you have a hangover, possibly the mother of all hangovers and you want to die. Here is what you should expect:

1. Nausea. A lot of nausea, with a side of nausea, is going to make a toilet, sink or bucket the best friend you ever had for the next few hours. If the stars align, you might only feel nauseous and bypass crying over the toilet, but if not, may god have mercy on your soul. Make sure that if you do throw up, eat something. For example: crackers, dry cereal or granola. Believe me, I know that putting food into your mouth is going to be the last thing you ever want to do in life, but dry heaving is worse. Also, taking small sips of water that has a cinnamon stick in it may help to relieve nausea, but if you want to rock it old school, throw an Alka-Seltzer tablet into a cup of water.

2. Headache. Somehow, while you were asleep, your head became home to a very angry midget. Your head is pounding, light and noise have become physically painful and you are beginning to think that the snowplows outside your dorm are run by Satan. Make sure to drink a lot of water, take some Tylenol or ibuprofen, and a multi-vitamin couldn’t hurt. My roommate swears by Gatorade, which is a good way to replenish electrolytes. Try to stay away from coffee however, as it can actually make your headache worse.

3. Hunger. Even though you spent the morning throwing up anything you’ve ever eaten and your head feels like it might actually explode, you are hungry. And you are probably craving some sort of greasy, disgusting, delicious food. I don’t know what it is about greasy food after a night of heavy drinking, but it somehow makes the world a little more livable. Personally, I also find toast to be just as effective, especially if you’re still a bit green around the gills.

4. Irritation. You feel like crap, your entire body hurts and you hate everything. Usually by this point you have sworn off drinking for good, and possibly planned the slow and graphic death of whoever is blasting their bass in the room next to yours. Remember, you did this to yourself, and murder is a crime. The best thing to do is sleep, if you can, keeping some water within reach and just let your body recover.

Hangovers are not a good time for anyone, but they are your body’s way of letting you know it doesn’t appreciate being slowly poisoned. So as always guys, drink responsibly and be careful.

Once upon a time, I wrote a column featuring the perils of roommates. This time, I would like to share with you a specific event that recently occurred in my dorm room.

My roommate, or more accurately suite mate, recently celebrated her 23rd birthday. It fell on a Friday, which we found rather convenient, so we all did the proper over 21 birthday thing: drinking. We started at The Pub, keeping it low-key with beer, and it wasn’t too long into it that I decided to leave. I was feeling sick and wanted to get some sleep. So I said my goodbyes, confirmed that I would keep my phone on in case a designated driver was needed.

The  next thing I remember, the birthday girl is in my room at 4:30 in the morning, screaming about cake–literally screaming–and turning all the lights on. I was disoriented, wondering why I was suddenly being yelled at and blind, and emotionally frozen between confusion and anger. This quickly dissolved into mortification, as I discovered I was naked from the waist up. I grabbed a pillow, as my still-screaming suite mate continued to drop cake all over the floor, and reached for a shirt. As I pulled it over my head, some guy came bursting into my room, carrying a blender and some ice. He briefly paused to take in my near nakedness, then started yelling something about margaritas and disappeared into the other room. I followed in a daze, only to discover the birthday girl sitting on the floor by her desk, mumbling about having porcupines in her hands, and absentmindedly wiping away water that was dripping from the bicycle parked next to my desk.

I inquired to why, and who’s bike had made its way into our dorm room, only to be informed rather loudly, “I have porcupines in my hands!” I was then handed a margarita, given a piece of cake and pushed into a chair and talked at.

This continued for a good hour or so, me being dazed and confused and wondering if I had dropped acid and forgot about it. Eventually, the copious amount of alcohol in everyone’s system took its toll and I was able to get my suite mate into bed, with fresh clothes and a glass of water. I then crawled back to my room, ignoring the mysterious bike, dogging pieces of cake that littered the floor and only giving the melting bag of ice left behind by Margarita Boy a cursory glance. I gave the clock one tired look–eight in the morning–and fell asleep.

I love my roommates to pieces, and while this makes for an interesting story, having it actually happen was more mentally scarring than anything else. So, as I’ve said many times before: drink responsibly guys, and remember that bikes belong outside.

Sometimes I feel like graduation is just around the corner. And then sometimes I feel like I am in one of those dreams where you are walking down a hallway that just keeps getting longer and longer.

But it is already February, and to keep my spirits up, I made a list of things I am looking forward to, after I graduate.

1. I will never have to shower at this university again. Have any of you ever seen Jack Nicholson in the movie As Good As It Gets? That is how I am about showering at the UAF. If I drop something, say a razor or soap on the shower floor, I sort of just stare at it in horror. In my mind, the fallen item might has well have fallen into a black hole, as it is now gone forever and cannot be reused. Likewise, if a part of my body, say my arm, brushes against the shower wall, I suddenly feel like I will never be clean again, and I should just do myself a favor and rip off the offending extremity. Perhaps most importantly, after I graduate, I will never have to wear sandals in the shower ever, ever again.

2. I will be able to use a kitchen to cook my own food. Yes, I do live in Wickersham and, yes, we have kitchens. However, they are perhaps the most disgusting kitchens I have ever had the misfortune of cooking in. Also, cooking in them is sort of like a game. Some burners don’t work, but never the same ones and you might light yourself on fire if you stop paying attention.

3. I can drink water from the tap without wondering if I will turn into a superhero. We all know that the water in Fairbanks is not-so refreshing. At the university however, the sinks are too small to use a water purifier properly, so you have to do some sort of water transfer. This is time consuming and annoying, because when I am thirsty I want my water now, guys. Another solution is to buy bottles of water that then clutter your dorm room and force you to take the trash out a billion times.

4. I’ll have my own bathroom. Again, in Wickersham, we share a toilet/sink between four humans, which is a much nicer set up then the communal free-for-all found in other dorms. However, I believe in staying hydrated, and as a result I have to pee about a million times a day. It is annoying to have to walk down a hallway over and over or constantly wait for your turn or feel like you are being judged concerning the rate of toilet paper consumption.

Anyway, I hope you all are also finding ways to get through the next few months until graduation, and for those of us not graduating, summer break. On a completely unrelated note, I’ve been out cold with the flu this week, which is going around with a vengeance. So stay healthy, consume some vitamins and don’t drink directly from the faucets.

I’m a senior here at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, and by senior, I actually mean it is my fourth and final year. As a college student. Sometimes saying “I am a senior,” means that you’ve been in college for seven years because you suck at math. I also am absolutely awful at math, but since I’m a wizard I passed everything, round one.

I am super proud of myself, and also terrified. I have been in school for pretty much my entire I-do-my-business-in-the-actual-toilet life, and trying to figure out what to do with myself after graduation is probably going to give me ulcers. However, what makes everything even more difficult, is that I have zero motivation to do anything. I really just want to lay in bed all day, watch Netflix, browse Imgur and eat pizza until I can’t zip my jeans up anymore.

This is a serious illness, commonly referred to as senoritis. I wonder if anyone else here at UAF has caught it, because it seems like it is going around. Thankfully, senoritis is quite easy to self-diagnose, if you are aware of the symptoms. As someone with a pretty bad case of it, I thought I’d give you all a quick run down on the most common symptoms. Don’t be alarmed if you find yourself saying “yes” to a lot of what follows. Senoritis is usually not fatal.

1. Do you find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning? This differs from, say depression, because you feel quite happy. Perhaps you are even content with life. The problem is that, despite your good mood, you cannot find it within yourself to get up and take a shower because your bed is warm and you haven’t done your homework.

2. Do you find it difficult to do your homework? In more mild cases of Senoritis, homework is eventually completed, although typically it takes at least two hours longer than normal to do so. In more severe cases, your name doesn’t even make it to the top of the paper, and even though the semester started three weeks ago, you still don’t have your textbooks.

3. You are suddenly “sick” a lot: you find yourself finding reasons to justify emailing your teachers to inform them you have caught a cold, the flu or leprosy. In fact, you have become so good at rationalizing such an action, you actually convince yourself that you have a cold, the flu or leprosy.

4. You drink more than normal, and by drink I mean alcohol. Who cares if it is a Thursday and you have class in the morning? It is hip-hop night at KJ’s and you feel a strong desire to drop it like it’s hot.

These are the top four symptoms of senoritis. If you answered yes to two or more of these, you should give me a call. Maybe we could start a support group or something.

This week, I would like to share with you what I did during my break, specifically my trip to Germany. I know two wonderful specimens of the human race that live in Munich, and I saved up this past semester, because Skype and Facebook just aren’t enough sometimes. I had a fantastic time, but what I really want to talk about with you guys, though, are the parts about traveling that aren’t wonderful. So here they are:

1. Waiting: The fact that I am about to complain about this isn’t overly original. But I am not a very patient person, and the act of waiting for anything makes me want to scream. Waiting for laundry to be finished, waiting for the microwave to beep, waiting for a real person to answer the phone when I’m talking to a robot–I hate all of it. Airports though, invoke a special kind of waiting. Not only do you have to sit and wait for hours at your gate, sitting on a plane is basically just waiting too. You are waiting for the plane to take off, then waiting for it to reach cruising altitude so you can use your iPod, then waiting for the bathroom to be free and finally waiting to enter descent. My trip to Germany was especially disgusting. I flew out of Anchorage to Seattle; Seattle to Vancouver; Vancouver to Amsterdam and lastly, Amsterdam to Munich. It was over 25 hours of waiting. By the time I made it to Vancouver, all my excitement had shriveled up and I had decided that when a person dies, instead of going to hell, they sit on a plane and do those exact fights in that exact order.

2. Currency: Besides the less than fabulous exchange rates, being thrown into a different currency is actually more difficult that one would expect. Have you ever bought something at a gas station for, say, $5.27? We don’t even blink as we reach into our wallets and pull out the exact change. Do you know how hard that is to do when you are using a foreign currency? I had no idea what the value of all these little coins were, unless I physically took them out and looked at them. Do you know how long that takes when all you need is seven cents? A really, really embarrassingly long time. I believe there is no other way to scream, “I’m a foreigner!” then when the cashier asks you for change, and you have to dump your wallet out on the counter in order to thoroughly examine each coin like a mad scientist.

3. People Assume You’re One Of Them: Obviously, this wouldn’t apply if I had gone to the Middle East or somewhere in Asia, but since I am a white girl that visited Germany, my white girl status was nothing new. In fact, if I didn’t open my mouth or try and pay for anything, I blended in quite well. This was kind of cool, because I sort of felt like a spy. But also left the door open for a lot of embarrassing encounters. People would come up to me on the street, blabbering away about something, and I would just stare at them in semi-horror, knowing that as soon as they took a breath I was going to have to embarrass both of us. One time, this sweet old woman was handing out flyers to people walking down the street, so of course my initial reaction was to run away and hide. But I also have no sense of direction, so veering off any path I happen to recognize is not a good idea. I did my best to look inconspicuous, but this elderly woman stopped me and started chatting, pushing a piece of paper into my hands. I had no way to tell her I didn’t want her piece of paper, so I did the only thing I could: smiled and took her offering. I found out a few minutes later that she was a Jehovah’s Witness and she had been trying to “save” me.

I really did have a great, wonderful, fantastic time  in Germany. I have never been to Europe before, and I hope to go back in the near future. I hope you all had as interesting of a break as I and enjoy the new semester!

This week’s article is a little bit of a request. I drove down to Wasilla over Thanksgiving break, and I took a friend down with me for two reasons: 1.) driving alone sucks and 2.) if there is someone else in the car with me I’ll drive more sanely because their life is in my hands. Anyway, as I was driving, I got to talking (read: ranting) and stumbled upon the topic of boys. My friend listened somberly, and then demanded that I make a MLIC article about it.

The topic specifically was the age-old debate on “How To Tell If A Boy Likes You.” I am absolutely useless when it comes to figuring anything about the opposite sex out. And I mean utterly and completely beyond help. I wish I was exaggerating.

Usually after one of my friends explains that I’ve been hit on, I have no idea what is going on. I honestly think this random guy just wanted me to know his name and phone number. Or, if he is super blunt about it so even one as dense as I pick up what he is putting down, I automatically assume someone has dared him to go hit on me, or think he has confused me with some hot girl standing in the near vicinity. You all may think this is a result of low self-esteem, but in reality, I’m just never prepared to be hit on therefore I’m continually caught off guard and surprised.

One of my guy friends, after watching how pathetic I am, decided to lend a helping hand. Guy code, straight from the horse’s mouth if you will. He gave me some solid ground rules to follow in the hopes that I would study and embrace them wholeheartedly. I have no idea if they are accurate, but I want to share them with you all.

Rule Number One: If a guy likes you, he will try and hang out with you a lot, usually with other friends as a buffer. I told my friend that I thought this is just sneaky, because having hang out sessions with friends is a normal, frequent event. If a guy wants to be more than friends, then shouldn’t he be more upfront about it? He told me to shut up and listen.

Rule Number Two: If a guy likes you, he will find excuses to touch you. Innocently at first, like a hand on the small of your back, or brushing arms. He does this to gauge your reaction. If he comes into contact with you and you freak out/look uncomfortable/burst into flames, then he knows you aren’t into him. I thought this sounded a little more legitimate, but a lot more creepy. My friend tried to tell me that this isn’t creepy it is sweet, but I remain unconvinced.

Rule Number Three: If the previously mentioned rules are going well, then the guy will try to hang out with you more alone, more one-on-one. This makes a lot of sense to me, as it is also something that I do. If I like a guy, then I want to hang out with him so I can get to know him better. Without distractions, like other humans.

Rule Number Four: If everything is going well, the guy will tell you he likes you. I feel like this rule is pretty self-explanatory. I asked my friend, “can’t the girl tell the guy he likes her?” My guy-friend told me that of course the girl can tell the guy that, but for the sake of keeping things simple, he was sticking to the guy-confessing-method.

Rule Number Five: If the girl likes the boy back, they start dating. Viola! Success.

Like I said, I’m not sure how accurate these rules are. Or if they are really even rules. I haven’t found them to be overly helpful, but that might just be because I’m slow.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m good at being a girl. I don’t like talking about my emotions, I don’t know how to curl hair and I have never owned a skirt in my life. I have no idea what ‘flirting’ is, because I treat everyone with the same amount of sarcasm, I hate Twilight – and I only ever read Cosmo when I need a laugh. That being said, there are some things I simply don’t understand about girls. I’ve thought about this some and have come up with a short list of things I personally find strange about the female gender.

1. Retail Therapy. I have been poor the entirety of my adult life, so the concept of spending a bunch of money in order to make yourself feel better blows my mind. I can hardly go to the store and buy shampoo without wanting to cry, never mind splurging on six new pairs of shoes. Not to mention, I absolutely loathe trying on clothes. The process takes so much effort that by the time I’m halfway through it I don’t even care anymore. First, you have to find clothes, and then wander around the store until you find someone to let you in a dressing room–because no one is ever there when you want one–and then take all your clothes off. I got tired just writing that. To add insult to injury, once we have the clothes on, we all just stand in front of the mirror and judge ourselves or better yet, bring a bunch of friends to do the judging for us until we have been convinced we look hideous and end up not buying anything at all. I still don’t understand how this process is supposed to be “therapeutic.”

2. High Heels. I cannot wear high heels to save my life and I’m not exaggerating. If someone threatened me with death unless I walked around in a pair of stilettos, I would die. This is super unfortunate because I love high heels and also because I’m super vertically challenged. Thus, I own high heels, but I never wear them. They just sit in my closet and I stare at them longingly. I have a huge amount of respect for girls that can wear high heels, and I also hate them a little bit. But the part that I find to be really baffling, is that women will willingly choose to wear six inch heels on ice and snow, wobbling around precariously, always three seconds away from a sprained ankle, when they have much safer options like sneakers or boots. I seriously don’t understand this. Someone explain it to me.

3. We spend a lot of time every day so we can look good. In all honesty, I don’t find anything strange about wanting to look your best. The part that I find to be really weird, is that girls don’t usually spend all this time putting on their “hot girl disguises” for men. No, we make ourselves smell good and look pretty for the sake of other girls. Every single girl knows that when she goes out into the world, guys are not going to care if her purse matches her shoes, or if her eyebrows are plucked. But every single girl does know that every other female she meets is going to be judging the hell out of every fashion, makeup, and accessory decision that was made. Why do girls care how other girls look? I have absolutely no idea.

4. We use our periods to justify our actions. Granted, periods suck and can wreak havoc with our hormones, but girls tend to use it as a fall back excuse for general bad behavior. A girl screams at her boyfriend or another friend for absolutely no reason. It’s okay, she’s on her period. Or, she ate twenty-five Twix bars. No worries, it’s just that time of the month. Perhaps she called in sick to work and skipped all her classes. That’s  justified because she is bleeding out of her vagina. Excuse me, what? Why is it suddenly okay to act like a starving asylum escapee four days out of the month because of a perfectly natural and constant cycle of our bodies? I have absolutely no idea, but I do know that girls tend to get away with a lot of not-so-kosher behavior when they are on their periods.

Trust me, the list could go on. Girls can be strange and mysterious creatures. Take if from a fellow female: we do some weird stuff.