If you read the cover of the paper this week and saw “Nuclear missile found inside ice climbing wall” and wondered what was going on, well, I guess I should explain.

Every year around April Fool’s the Sun Star puts out a satire issue called The Fun Star.  This is the stuff of Sun Star legend.  I don’t know when it started, just that the best fake stories are told and retold to new staff every year with Sun Star alum coming out of the woodworks to cheer us on in our quest for fake news.

Before spring break, the Distribution Manager was sorting through bins of old papers that had just been pulled out of the Wood Center dungeon.  While archiving them, we marveled at the old cover fonts and advertising inserts–there was a CD inserted into every single one of one of the issues.  And then we came across 2005′s Fun Star issue, all 16 pages of fake news.

Before I took over the paper as editor, I was never quite sold on the Fun Star.  It seemed random and unnecessary.  Student papers regularly get in trouble for satire pieces.  But while I was paging through the April 2005 Fun Star, in between “Dick Cheney declared sexist man alive” and “40-foot penis ready for climax,” I realized we don’t do the Fun Star for you.  We do it for us.

The Sun Star puts out 27 issues a year.  For 26 of those issues we work hard to cover campus events and report on UAF for you, the readers.  And guys, it wears us out.

Around this time of year, the reality of the slowly melting snow and classes in the second round of midterms make students go a bit crazy.  I know that’s what happens to me.

So for April Fool’s, we make it all up.  I hope you enjoy this year’s issue of the Fun Star.  Some of the stories are playful and some of them are a bit more critical under the shroud of satire.

If anything important happened this week, well, sorry we missed it.  Instead we have an entire issue of blatantly false news.  We had fun putting it together, and we hope you enjoy reading it.

It seems that abortion, sexuality and the war on women have painted a grim picture of the rights of women in America lately. However, UAF is shining light on the minority group by building a new building in the shape of a vagina that will be ready for classes this fall.

Inspired by UAF’s 59 percent female demographic, the “Kameel Toi Henderson Building,” is named after a former university professor.

Groundbreaking for the the new building will begin in late April and construction is expected to finish by the end of the summer.

Although both liberal arts and science classes will be taught in the new building, faculty have created new classes in the building’s honor. The 10 member panel of administrators and faculty only includes three females.

Faculty and students have criticized the panel for being sexist and discriminatory against women despite the building celebrating them.

Courses such as Home Economics, House Cleaning 101 and the Perils of Feminism will be offered each semester. The faculty chose of a list of recommended courses that faculty, staff and students comprised. Courses such as Women in Politics, Rights of Women in Alaska and the Construction of Female Beauty were denied. Two three-week seminars titled Economic Benefits of Ending the Gender Wage Gap and Rape Culture in America, are still in consideration. The panel will finalize the course list before April 20.

“I really like cooking, so I’m excited,” said sophomore Foreign Languages student Annie Brook.

In a meeting earlier this month to discuss the building, faculty, students and members of the public voiced their concerns. “I’m just going to play devil’s advocate here but I feel like if women get to have a giant vagina building, than men should be able to have a giant penis building too,” said junior engineering student Samantha Morgano. The comment drew a lot of gasps from the crowed room.

“This building has garnered a lot of stupid comments but that is by far the dumbest argument you can make. You’re a woman, and you still haven’t realized it? The world is a giant penis building,” said Women’s Center Director Kayt Sunwood.

The Kameel Toi Henderson Building will be located across the street from Reichardt Building, on the hill behind the current UAF shuttle bus stop.

“I’m excited about the many layers of the building that will unfold upon its release,” said psychology student James Smith.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

UAF sophomore Adam Mccomb slams his ice axe into the ice wall without a clue of the nuclear missile buried beneath it. Adam Taylor/Fun Star

A nuclear missile was found hidden beneath the outdoor climbing tower on Saturday.

Student Alexandra Kimota was practicing geocaching. In this activity, participants use GPS to find boxes containing a logbook and cheap trading items. New to geocaching, Kimota followed the coordinates wrong and ended up digging beneath the climbing tower. “Geocaching is generally a summer sport but the stuff in the boxes is so cool,” Kimota said. “There’s whistles and baseball cards and gum. I just had to start early this year.”

Kimota dug three feet down before striking what she thought was the corner of the buried geocaching box. But she couldn’t pull it out of the pit. She enlarged the hole but could not find all the edges of the box. “It was huge,” Kimota said.

Kimota reported it to the front desk staff at the SRC. The SRC Outdoor Facilities Manager, Sam Braband, investigated the box.

“We expected to dig this piece of metal out and then figure out how it got there,” Braband said.

Three years ago, UAF was planning to expand the outdoor activities available at UAF. The ice climbing tower was one of the projects in the works along with a mud pit and a specially designed Calvinball field.

But money for the projects was not available. Fifty percent of the money for the climbing tower was promised by Students for the Proliferation of Climbing Apparatus, a nation-wide student organization, but the other $50,000 was not available. “The government approached me,” Chancellor Brian Rogers said. A helicopter landed in front of the Butrovitch building in June 2011. “Three men dressed in black with sunglasses stepped out,” Rogers said. They offered Rogers the remaining $50,000 and additional funding for the other outdoor activity structures if he agreed to hide a small nuclear missile beneath the ice climbing wall. Rogers agreed.

“I believe these outdoor activity areas are more important than any other education on campus,” Rogers said. “The Calvinball field is especially important. No one thinks it’s as important as I do and I have not been able to get the money to pursue these projects. I accepted the money from the government in exchange for hiding the missile otherwise my dream for this campus would never be realized.”

Petra Cliffs Climbing Group, a company set up by the Department of Defense for secret construction projects, began constructing the tower in the summer of 2011.

“It was super secret,” said James Nortuen, a junior English student. “I remember walking by there once and there were all these beefy security types.” The Petra Cliffs’ security system included fingerprint identification and an iris scan before allowing anyone into the construction site.

The tower was completed in just three weeks. “I wondered why it went so fast,” Braband said. “Usually, construction takes forever here.” Once it was done, students climbed on the tower for almost two years. No one at UAF except Rogers knew about the missile until Kimota uncovered the box it was encased in.

Without knowing what it was, Braband ordered the box dug up. Rogers wasn’t notified until after groundskeepers had most of the box uncovered. It was 10 feet long and six feet wide.

“I didn’t know what to say to the Department of Defense,” Rogers said. “How was I supposed to know some random student digging around would find the missile?” Rogers called DOD officials and informed them that the box had been found. Helicopters and troops swarmed the area. A SWAT team provided security around the site. A crowd of students and Fairbanks residents began to form watching and taking pictures.

“It was so cool,” said Nicole Elissim, a freshman engineering student. “I went up to one of the guys with a gun and asked him if he’d help me out the next time UAF does Humans vs. Zombies. He didn’t say anything; he was so unfriendly.”

Less than four hours after arriving on campus, the SWAT team and military personnel began to leave the area, loading the box for removal. The contents were still a secret.

Troops lifted the box onto the back of a trailer but one of the soldiers slid on some ice and the box began to fall, according to Elissim. The box broke open in front of the crowd of 150 people exposing the missile. Cameras flashed. The missile was quickly picked up, loaded, concealed under tarps and driven away.

As news began to spread, the Pentagon released a statement early Sunday morning. “Our program for concealing weapons on college campuses has been discontinued. All weapons have been removed from their storage sites. No civilians have been adversely affected in any way by any of the weapons that were stored in this manner, we don’t think.”

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

After various complaints from students under the age of 21 that there are not enough activities for them on campus, UAF’s administration made a big decision. They will open the steam tunnel utilidor network to students for parties. Beginning this summer on May 15, the tunnels will be available for rent.

Alcohol is not allowed due to the safety risks associated with the tight spaces in the tunnels. “Student safety is first of course,” said Gary Beaudette, a Risk and Safety Management safety officer.

There have been rumors about the tunnels for years. Students have not been permitted to go into the steam tunnels, though this has not stopped daring students from exploring them.

“Students sneak in down there all the time,” said Julie Larweth, director of the UAF Office of Management and Budget. ”So we figured we might as well make some money off of it.”

The tunnels are pretty cramped in some areas, but students are still excited. “This is crazy. I want to throw a party in the bunkers,” said Joshua Moss, a UAF Biology student who enjoys rock climbing.

The administration has already started a wait list for the party animals who will be renting out the tunnels. So far, at least 200 students have come forward and expressed an interest in renting out the steam tunnels for parties.

Students can rent out the tunnels by building, which ranges from $50 to $250 for three hours, or the entire tunnel system, which can be rented out up to 8 hours for $1,000.

“We are experimenting right now,” Larweth said. “If students really seem interested, the administration may consider holding school dances below. Finally, we’ll give underage students something to do with their summer.”

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

UAF Resident Assistants are eager to keep their residents in line at Springfest with Glock 22′s. For the time being they are using water guns. Ashleigh Strange/Fun Star

Resident Assistants have kept the dorms safe for many years. Their skills are challenged every spring when students get a three-day weekend in April known as Springfest. However, this year Springfest activities are about to transcend previous safety records as RAs are issued guns to deal with the crowds of rowdy students.

Residence Life First Year Experience Coordinator, Brad Bishop,  said that this plan has been a long time coming. “I’ve been here for years and Springfest is getting out of control. This is going to be how we run things from now on… corporal punishment.” According to Bishop, students were audibly laughing in the dorm hallways during the free day and sunning outside on the grass. Bishop shuddered recalling the students’ happiness throughout the weekend. “Smiles, smiles everywhere. It’s disgusting,” Bishop said.

The guns given to RAs are Glock 22 pistols, the same used by law enforcement officials. Assistant Director of Residence Life Jamie Napolski, turned one over in her hands as she spoke of their usefulness. “We always have problems with drunk students tottering around on that weekend,” Napolski said. “It’ll be much easier to deal with them after they’ve taken one or two rounds to the kneecap.” Napolski then smiled and pointed the gun at the wall whispering, “Bang.”

Students are invited to take part in their RAs’ gun training during the new program designed to put them in real world experiences: Humans vs. Zombies. All RAs are required to participate in the campus-wide event that pits students against the undead during a week-long nerf war.

Napolski says the exercise is meant to get RAs used to the idea of shooting students in point-blank situations and sniper positions. “We don’t want them getting squeamish or hesitating when they have to take out one of their friends.” Napolski patted a slight bulge at her hip, adding, “Luckily I don’t have that problem. I’ve been packing for years.”

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

KSUA prepares for adolescent April.

UAF’s award winning college radio station has started a campaign to play more boy band music on the airwaves this month in what they hope will become an annual event called Adolescent April.

KSUA sends several employees to the large music festival South by Southwest every year with the intent of bringing home students excited about new music. “This year the big push at South by Southwest was to get more boy band music our there,” said Rebecca File, KSUA’s general manager.

Music Director Brady Gross, who is usually recognizable by his rugged mountain man beard, shaved it off in preparation for Adolescent April.

“I want to immerse myself in One Direction this month,” Gross said.

The KSUA staff has put together a playlist full of high-school-esque hits to play on the station during downtime between scheduled programming.

They are also planning on holding a 24-hour Boy-Band-a-thon to garner support from the community, following the success of their vote-a-thon that won them the mtvU Woodie Best College Radio Station award last month.

“After we won the award, we just thought, where could we go from here?” File said, “and we decided to go with the Beliebers.” Concert Board has been following KSUA’s campaign since it was announced last week.

“We like to see KSUA step up and recognize good music,” said Concert Board member Cody Rogers.

Concert Board is so impressed they have decided to bring up the Jonas Brothers for next year’s fall concert. Concert Board concert announcements are usually met with a large amount of contempt from UAF’s hipster population, but Rogers is confident that everyone will be excited about the Jonas Brothers.

If Adolescent April is a success, KSUA is considering implementing weekly Taylor Swift Tuesdays.

“We’re here for the underappreciated artists,” Gross said, while admiring his cleanly shaven face in the reflection on the back of a Justin Bieber CD.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

The weekend series of Mar. 8-10 ended in a loss for the Alaska Nanooks during the Central Collegiate Hockey Association playoffs against the MSU Spartans, not allowing them to compete in the quarter-final matches against the Miami Redhawks.

The Alaska Nanook Hockey team took the MSU Spartan’s spot in the quarterfinals of the CCHA tournament through illegal means. The Nanooks were upset over the loss to the Michigan State Spartans during the Mar. 8 weekend  for the CCHA playoffs at the Carlson Center. Instead of taking this loss negatively, the team picked up their sticks and flew down to Oxford, Ohio for the quarter-final game between the Miami Redhawks and the MSU Spartans.

The Spartans were surprised when the Nanooks burst through the doors to the locker room dressed for a game. “I heard Jake Chelios yell, ‘What’s going on here?’ and I just told him, y’know, ‘We’re here for the cup,’” said sophomore Business Administration student Nolan Kaiser. “They beat us up pretty good in the locker room, a few black eyes and broken noses, but we eventually dragged them all out of there.”

Head Coach Dallas Ferguson talked with some surprised CCHA officials to tell them that the Spartans were “feeling really sick” and that his team was available on-site and “ready to go.”

The Nanooks played the quarter-final game, scoring three goals overall versus Miami’s four goals. The Nanooks scored two goals in the first period and one in the third. Freshman goaltender John Keeney blocked an impressive 42 shots on goal throughout the night.

Although the Nanooks lost to the Redhawks 4-3, they did put on quite a show. “We played well, our defense was up, our offense was up, but it just wasn’t enough this time,” freshman defender Colton Parayko said after the game. “We’ll just keep training hard and try harder next year.”

The CCHA committee contacted the officials for the series after the first game on Friday to tell inform them that the game was unable to be counted for the quarter-final game. They also stated that the Nanooks would be unable to play in Saturaday-night’s game, and further punished them by revoking all privileges to play in any future CCHA games.

“I suppose with this bold move we made this weekend, and the outcome from the committee, it’s a good thing our conferences are changing,” Ferguson said.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Three University of Alaska students will be given the opportunity for a semester abroad in North Korea as part of the Office of International Programs partnership with a U.S. government sponsored program.

The U.S. Department of Defense will send up to 90 students, three from each state, for the newest pilot project under the Information Technology Exchange Program.

The program was surprisingly well received from a country whose nuclear attack threats against the U.S. and their allies surface regularly. “We see this as a great opportunity to educate the youth of our enemies in the peaceful nature of our people,” a spokesperson for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea said in a press release last Monday.

Students that wish to apply for the 15 credit minor degree program entitled “North Korean Studies,” will have to undergo a series of mental stability tests, physical endurance tests and attend a special month long training session in Washington D.C. Extensive background checks will also be conducted before official entry to the program.

The Pentagon’s Press Secretary George Little told the U.S. Department of Education that this would not be a “walk in the park” training session. Students will be required to pass a multitude of what the secretary calls “worst case scenario readiness training.” Students will learn torture coping methods, nuclear warhead disarmament and anti-propoganda deciphering techniques. Trainees will also learn a codeword vocabulary for case of emergency evacuation.

OIP’s program brochure said it is “an opportunity of a lifetime.” However, students will not be covered by the UAF health insurance plan as insurance companies categorize the area as “hostile” and a “potential combat zone.”

Students accepted into the program are considered by the Defense Department “fit for prolonged isolation in an oppressive, potentially harmful environment.”

Participants will meet in Seoul, South Korea to await the opening day ceremony in N. Korea’s capital Pyongyang, scheduled for Aug. 15, 2013. All participants must cross the border into N. Korea at the same time under military supervision. The original plan was for students to meet in Beijing, China. However, China refused participation when a Chinese government spokesperson said “we do not feel the U.S.’s presence in the area is beneficial to China.”

One member of the U.S. press, yet to be determined by the DPRK, and former NBA star Dennis Rodman, will be allowed to accompany students’ initial entry to the country. The U.S. journalist will be given 24 hours to view students’ accommodations and speak with education officials. Afterward, students’ contact with the outside world will be limited to monitored phone calls allowed once per month, as long as satisfactory academic performance is maintained. N. Korean education officials were vague in describing satisfactory academic performance.

After the semester, students will be required to attend a three-day debriefing with White House and Pentagon officials before they will be allowed to return to their homes in time for the winter holiday.

UAF students are encouraged to apply and are asked to pick up an application at the Office of International Programs on the second floor of the Eielson Building.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Mr. Rogers’ Hood album cover has been released and the album is expected to come out this month for Springfest. April 1, 2013. Album cover created by The Man.

UAF Chancellor Brian Rogers who is usually recognized by his unique mustache has decided to take his trademark ‘stache to a whole new level. Rogers is releasing a hit single titled ”Muh Stash” as part of his new rap album “Mr. Rogers’ Hood,” that will be released under his rapper name Mr. Rogers this April.

“I felt inspired by a mixture of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and Ice Cube,” Rogers said. “Ice Cube is tough, he has the mean brow look going on just like me.”

Rogers’ wife Sherry Modrow said she completely supports him. “This has always been his dream,” Modrow said. “The thug life.”

Rogers mentioned that he knew all along that he only needed one microphone to perform his greatest rhymes. One of his good friends is Josh Silva, better known as Alaska Redd, the pioneer of hip-hop music in Fairbanks. Silva discovered Rogers’ talent when he took him into his studio and did not want to let him out.

“He tore the studio up, it’s like he’d waited his whole life for this one chance,” Silva said. “I wanna sign him to ReddDott Productions, for real. Who better to open at UAF for Theophilus London with me than the Chancellor himself?”

Rogers’ lyrics are spreading throughout campus as students cannot believe their ears. “Once he gets on that mic, you should be scared,” said UAF student Alex Martinez. “He’s a beast and he keeps it 100.”

“Oh my gosh, he’s like the next Tupac,” said Latoya Jordan, a music student. “But better.”

The rap album is set to be released before Springfest and includes a track called “Spring Madness.” There are a total of 13 tracks. Among them is “Muh Stash.” The following are rap lyrics to the song:

Now, you in Mr. Rogers’ hood,

I keep it fresh with my tie, lookin’ good,

They can talk all they want about the hair on my lip,

as long as they don’t touch muh stash or muh relationship,

Mind on my money and money on my staff,

proud of muh boyz two UAF grads.

No it ain’t bleached, I keep my sh*t natural,

chances so good for me they call me the chancellor.

Thanks to Hamilton, I go H.A.M. a ton,

up in my office feeling like the man of fun,

don’t believe me? Go throw your water balloons while I drop watermelons.

Started from the bottom in my lemonade truck,

You can try to knock me down but I’ll get back up,

while you’re running your mouth I’m busy makin’ those bucks,

all the talk seems to stop at the drop of that puck.

—

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

College students live a very privileged lifestyle. This was exemplified in a UA Board of Regents meeting last October when UA President Pat Gamble said that, “a lot of student debt is choice.”

A recent survey conducted by the UAF Admissions to track student lifestyles found that student spending was out of control. The survey focused on 100 UAF students perusing a four-year degree and living on-campus. The study concluded that student extravagant spending has worsened. The study found that UAF students are spending close to $5 for ramen noodles at Fred Meyer, where the stale delicacy is an astonishing 25 cents a pack. Students were spending over $500 on textbooks and purchasing $150 student parking decals. After purchasing decals, the students used the campus shuttle, a luxury transportation service that cost $13 a semester, to get to class.

“I’m not surprised at this type of spending,” Gamble said on the study findings, “Everyone was mad at me, but now they can see that I was telling the truth.”

“I don’t think my spending is that extravagant but I could be wrong,” said senior Physics students Kailey Stewart. Stewart said that during the beginning of the semester she spent an extra $100 on a late fee because her financial aid hadn’t come in. “I don’t have money in the bank, but when I do, I feel like spending it on late fees.”

Some student disagreed with the survey, preferring it gave a voice to off-campus students. “I live in a dry cabin and I think it’s pretty extravagant,” said sophomore Psychology student Megan Hittleton. Hittleton said that as a liberal arts major she knew she would make a lot of money in the future so she chose to live in a dry cabin. “I spent a lot on blue foam insulation for my outhouse to keep me warm during the winter, like, not a lot of people can afford my lifestyle. I wish the survey included that,” Hittleton said.

Although not concluded in the experiment, the study found that students who choose to live on campus will have a higher amount of debt than their off-campus counterparts. “Students are spending more than $3,000 to live our state-of-the-art dormitories and to eat fine cuisine at the Lola Tilly, but wonder why they get in so much debt?” said Residence Life Director Kathy Bruno.

“I see students come in here a lot and get coffee because they’re tired,” said ASUAF Office Manager Anne Williamson. “It’s extravagant. If they have so much money, why do they come in here to get free coffee. It’s weird,” Williamson said. Students willingly pay $42 for the student government fee for radio shows, concerts and a student newspaper, so they can be entertained while sitting in the back of class and not listening to the professor.

For the next academic year, students will face a 2 percent tuition increase. “I honestly don’t know how they can expect us to be financially responsible when we just have so much temptation with our low fees and tuition,” freshman Biology student Micheal Eddington said.

“With a lot of things changing for our university, I hope that student extravagance will change also,” said UAF Chancellor Brian Rogers.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Have it your way… or not

March 19- Police reported to a domestic violence dispute at the Cutler Apartments after they received a call that the husband had blood on his shirt. When they arrived they found a 37-year-old woman and her 41-year-old husband yelling at each other. Police separated them and found that the “blood” was actually ketchup. The wife had pretended to stab him with her ketchup-covered hot dog after she became angry that the french fries he made were too crunchy. She stated she likes them soft and she said ”this isn’t Burger King, he can’t always have it his way.” The husband was embarrassed and apologized for her actions. He was given a disorderly conduct warning and the wife was arrested and transported to the Fairbanks Correctional Center for attempted assault. She said that she is tired of crunchy fries and it is time for a divorce.

Staring from a window

March 19- Police received several calls from students about a girl who was staring at them from one of the Rasmuson Library windows. The callers said that the girl just stood there watching them and made them feel uneasy. Police went there to speak with the suspect and found that it was cardboard cut out of Justin Bieber someone had placed there. The cut out was taken down.

Special sauce robbery

March 20- Alaska State Troopers called campus police to assist them with a 31-year-old man in crutches wearing an adult diaper and bunny boots who was attempting to rob “special sauce” from the McDonald’s on Airport Way with an air gun. After UAFPD arrived, the man ran with his crutches, but did not get far. Officers found the man to be highly intoxicated. He was arrested and transported to the FCC, where he was charged with attempted robbery, public intoxication and disorderly conduct. The McDonald’s employees chose not to press charges since they were not placed in fear, but said they had a good laugh.

Four eyes… or more

March 21- Police arrested a 22-year-old female student who was running around nude and slapping people with glasses in the back of the head while screaming “bladow yaddi“ and stealing the glasses when they fell off their face. Officers found the suspect from student descriptions, in her Bartlett dorm room. The woman claimed she did not know what they were talking about. Police checked her dorm and found that she was growing a marijuana plant in her closet with over 20 pairs of glasses sitting in a pile nearby. She admitted she did not want to have to pay for glasses and was searching for the perfect set to fit her prescription. She was charged at the FCC for the possession of drugs, assault and for theft. The glasses were not damaged and are being returned to their owners. Police are still investigating what “bladow yaddi” means.

Like mother, like son

March 24- UAF police cited a 26-year-old male student for disorderly conduct after he purposely spilled coffee on the tables in the 23-hour room in the library while yelling “I’m tired.” The student said he was filled with anger after having to return to school following spring break. He told police it was his way of letting out his anger as he poured the coffee on his failed midterm papers. His mother called in to say she fears what his reaction may be to finals and has asked the court to consider the death penalty. Police then located his mother selling cocaine out of a hot cocoa stand on West Ridge hill. She was arrested for drug possession and selling drugs.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Senators present

John Seiler, Michael Magnun, Ayla O’Scannell, Michael Mancill, Michael Golub, Mickey Wilson, McKinley Zakurdaew, Ashley Strauch, Beth Steele, Sarah Walker, Daniel Strigle and Simon Ortega

Officers present

Dillon Ball and Mari Freitag

Director present

Fred Brown, Corey Boiko and Bryant Hopkins

All present and accounted for

O’Scannell expressed surprise that there was perfect attendance from senators and directors. Senator Golub said, “I guess they all heard what happened to Will Collingwood.” President Freitag mumbled, “It was for the greater good,” as she toyed with a necklace of human teeth.

Election Roll Call

Dillon Ball, Christian Burns-Schaefer and Ayla O’Scannell assembled before the elections committee to officially announce their intentions to run for student body president. Freitag instructed them each to tell the senate one honest reason why they should be considered for presidency.

Ball said nothing but turned in a slow circle, winking at all the senators. Burns-Schaefer said, “Because there have been too many vaginas occupying that seat. Penis power!” O’Scannell said, “I don’t really want it. I just don’t want these clowns to win.”

DOPFA

Initiative SB-127-11, The Defense of Palatable Food Act, was read before the senate. The proposition, brought forward by Senator Walker, asks the senate to vote on a recommendation that the Lola Tilly Commons create edible food options for all students.

The senate appeared to be split on the vote. Seiler and Golub opposed the measure, saying as off campus students, they deserved the good food that they have always had. Golub said that the food his wife made would be ruined if other student’s food improved on campus.

Strauch spoke in favor of the bill. “I don’t eat there myself, but I have a lot of friends who do. Who are we to tell them that they should eat worse than everyone else?”

Mancill suggested that the legislation be thrown out because, as he said, “It’s almost spring. People can get free food on campus almost every day. There are barbeques and pizza all the time. Why waste our time on this stuff?”

As an example, Ortega mentioned that there was free pizza being delivered at that moment to the School of Administration Office for students who wanted to listen to a lecture on money management. “I’ll probably just grab a couple pieces and then leave,” said Ortega. “Who’s with me?”

The meeting ended abruptly over the protests of Strigle who wanted to introduce legislation to allow senators to change the clock on the wall to align with daylight savings time.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Dear Editor,

I just heard about the new building on campus that is going to be shaped like a giant vagina and I’m embarrassed for this university.

As a male student on campus, I’m disappointed that a building that only caters to 41 percent of the student body to be a gross use of funds. I mean, what are they going to have in there anyways? Cooking classes and basket weaving? Idiotic.

I mean I’m not unconformable about being in a building shaped like that, but I’m worried about young kids walking in and asking questions. They’ll have all these questions and I don’t want to answer.

Plus if there is money going towards this, it’s taking away money from important projects like sports on campus and things that I study.

I don’t plan to boycott the university or anything, but I will tell everybody I know about my disapproval and hope someone else does something about it.

Sincerely,
John Seiler

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

UAF’s slogan “Naturally Inspiring” is being replaced by “Sort of Below Average.” Photo provided by UAF

A lot of things are changing at the UAF campus. By the 2013 fall semester, the campus will look completely different due to reconstruction, degree requirements will change for some majors and UAF will have a new marketing slogan.

The university will start to take a more realistic approach regarding the campus and will change its marketing slogan from “Naturally Inspiring” to “Sort of Below Average,” according to the UAF homepage.

 The university changed its marketing  slogan at the beginning of the fall semester  this year from “UAF: Is {it} for you?” to “Naturally Inspiring.”  The new proposed changes reflect a more truthful portrayal of life on the Fairbanks campus.

“We just wanted to keep it real with folks,” Chancellor Brian Rogers said. “Instead of continuing to spend student tuition money on cheesy and forced advertising campaigns, we want to be honest.”

New t-shirts and pamphlets are being printed sporting the logo “UAF: Sort of Below Average” in a shockingly non-striking design.  Students walking around campus at night will see the slogan projected on various buildings.  A commercial featuring several students procrastinating in the Wood Center while eating mediocre sushi will debut on local television in several weeks.

Philosophy student Morgan Johnson who can be spotted in unwashed flannel eating carrots from his backpack considers himself to be the quintessential UAF student.  “My philosophy is, C’s get degrees. I think it’s a good rule to live by,” Johnson said.

UAF’s campaign motto, “Finish in Your Own Time,” will also change to “Finish… At Some Point if You Want to.” The shift will not only focus on the fact that there are many paths students take to earn a degree, but also the fact that it may take students a really long to figure out that path or even if they want to go down it.

UAF students who take much longer to finish at the university have often felt left out.  “I finished in 17,” said UAF alumni Jeremy Smith. “But they didn’t want that in the pamphlet for some reason.”

Most students are embracing the slogan changes.  “No pressure man,” said freshman Josh Young who is currently undeclared and spends most of his time in the Moore Hall lounge playing pool with his equally below average group of friends.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Despite recent criticism for his comments about student extravagance, UA President Patrick Gamble is making a comeback. On Friday, Mar. 29 Gamble was named “Best President in the Nation” by tlcU, the Learning Channel’s university focused programming.

With help from an online voting campaign, the university community came together to vote Gamble into the top spot.

“I was really surprised to win the award,” Gamble said at a press conference, “There were so many other amazing campus presidents I was competing against, it’s an honor to be recognized.”

An online voting campaign was organized by public affairs director for the University of Alaska System Kate Wattum, who hired students to attend “clicking parties” where they could vote for Gamble.

“It’s been such fabulous press for the entire University of Alaska system,” Wattum said at a thank you event for student volunteers, “It’s exciting to see students taking such pride in the leaders of this institution.”

Students from all disciplines joined the campaign to vote for Gamble.

“Patrick Gamble waived my parking tickets for helping vote for him,” journalism student Matt Putmann said.

“Somebody said there were veggie trays, and it turned out they were right,” said journalism student John Seiler.

“Oh, I thought this was the KSUA party,” KSUA DJ Ben Adamson said.

UAF will continue to celebrate Gamble’s big win with a series of Blue and Gold themed parties as “thank you,” events for the students and community members that voted for him.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.