ASUAF Recap-March 31 2013

Ashleigh Strange/Sun Star Reporter
March 31, 2013

Senators present

John Seiler, Michael Magnun, Ayla O’Scannell, Michael Mancill, Michael Golub, Mickey Wilson, McKinley Zakurdaew, Ashley Strauch, Beth Steele, Sarah Walker, Daniel Strigle and Simon Ortega

Officers present

Dillon Ball and Mari Freitag

Director present

Fred Brown, Corey Boiko and Bryant Hopkins

All present and accounted for

O’Scannell expressed surprise that there was perfect attendance from senators and directors. Senator Golub said, “I guess they all heard what happened to Will Collingwood.” President Freitag mumbled, “It was for the greater good,” as she toyed with a necklace of human teeth.

Election Roll Call

Dillon Ball, Christian Burns-Schaefer and Ayla O’Scannell assembled before the elections committee to officially announce their intentions to run for student body president. Freitag instructed them each to tell the senate one honest reason why they should be considered for presidency.

Ball said nothing but turned in a slow circle, winking at all the senators. Burns-Schaefer said, “Because there have been too many vaginas occupying that seat. Penis power!” O’Scannell said, “I don’t really want it. I just don’t want these clowns to win.”


Initiative SB-127-11, The Defense of Palatable Food Act, was read before the senate. The proposition, brought forward by Senator Walker, asks the senate to vote on a recommendation that the Lola Tilly Commons create edible food options for all students.

The senate appeared to be split on the vote. Seiler and Golub opposed the measure, saying as off campus students, they deserved the good food that they have always had. Golub said that the food his wife made would be ruined if other student’s food improved on campus.

Strauch spoke in favor of the bill. “I don’t eat there myself, but I have a lot of friends who do. Who are we to tell them that they should eat worse than everyone else?”

Mancill suggested that the legislation be thrown out because, as he said, “It’s almost spring. People can get free food on campus almost every day. There are barbeques and pizza all the time. Why waste our time on this stuff?”

As an example, Ortega mentioned that there was free pizza being delivered at that moment to the School of Administration Office for students who wanted to listen to a lecture on money management. “I’ll probably just grab a couple pieces and then leave,” said Ortega. “Who’s with me?”

The meeting ended abruptly over the protests of Strigle who wanted to introduce legislation to allow senators to change the clock on the wall to align with daylight savings time.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

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