FUN STAR: Athletic Department employs new coaching techniques; no NCAA violations required

By Emily Russell

Sun Star Contributor

(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)

A new coaching trend has emerged due to recent scrutiny regarding the leadership within the University of Alaska Fairbanks’ Athletics Department. As nearly every coach violated NCAA rules in one form or another over the last few years, the Athletics Department wasted no time investigating the remaining few coaches that had yet to be fired. Instead, they initiated a “slash and burn” tactic, firing every last one.

DSC_2493

Anthony Reese scores during a basketball game in late February. Basketball is one of the many sports that will be effected by the new no coach policy. – Zayn Roohi / Photo Editor

“We just couldn’t take any more chances,” Gary Gray, director of athletics at UAF said, “And the violations surely have nothing to do with me.”

Designed to lead the Alaska Nanooks into a new era of athleticism and sportsmanship, the Athletic Department has instead turned to epic sports films to coach teams without fear of any further violations of NCAA rules or regulations. Sports with men’s and women’s teams will receive the same treatment, i.e. be required to watch the same film, as to give the appearance that UAF cares about Title IX. The following list was acquired by The Sun Star:

 

Swimming

Blue Crush (2002)

Swimsuits? Check. Water? Check. Sharks? I don’t remember. The film serves as an important reminder that regardless of your athletic ability you’ll be objectified in your bathing suit.

 

Cross Country Running

Chariots of Fire (1981)

Learning to run in slow motion with a swelling orchestral soundtrack is the only way to keep an audience captive during such a monotonous and uneventful sport.

 

Cross Country Skiing

Miracle (2004)

Gives hope that Americans may one day succeed in a European dominated sport.

 

Rifle

First Blood (1982)

Rambo’s precision, accuracy and great hair are all something we should strive for in life.

 

Basketball

Rudy (1993)

Given the team’s latest season, they could use little pick me up.

 

Hockey

Coach Carter (2005)

A gentle reminder to administrators that, ultimately, UAF’s reputation depends on the success of its academic programs rather than the hard work and talent of these young men. (Colton Parayko- I’ve never been to St. Louis, though I’d love to visit. Call me?)

 

Volleyball

Stick It (2006)

Who doesn’t love Jeff Bridges?

 

Cheerleading

Bring It On, all of them (2000, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009)

I honestly didn’t know they made so many sequels; my weekend just got a whole lot more exciting.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *