Fees we’ll have at UAF in the future
A five-cent-per-flush fee in all dorm bathrooms. Prior to using a toilet or urinal, students will be expected to swipe their Polar Express Cards. There is also talk of a toilet paper fee, demanding that students swipe before they wipe.
The Money Fee
UAF will have so many fees in the future that the campus will have to hire someone to keep track of them all. We’ll fund this new position (of course) with a new fee.
In the future, we’ll have so many fees that we’ll have to pay a fee so we can pay our fees. Thankfully, the business office will let us pay our Fee Fee while we pay our other fees, that way we can pay our fee to pay our fees while we pay our fees.
The Antidote Fee
In the future, food from the Lola Tilly Commons will be so terrible, that it will actually poison those who eat it (wait, it doesn’t already?). UAF will decide that offering an antidote will be cheaper then hiring a new food contractor. However, since providing an antidote would be a service, the administration will have to charge us for it.
Free Parking Fee
UAF will do away with parking meters, freeing students from the perennial fear of “I need one more nickel!? Gah!” However, since Parking Services needs to get their revenue from somewhere, a Free Parking Fee will be created to ensure students pay for their free parking.
Since UAF is a land, sea and space grant institute, it makes since to charge student for using up UAF’s land, sea and space. Since the campus already charges students room and board (land) and isn’t near the sea (damn!), we’ll be forced to pay a fee for taking up space on campus. Some might complain that this fee is misinterpreting the word “space,” but those individuals clearly haven’t paid their Second Amendment Fee.
Spontaneous Construction Fee
Those who do not pay this fee will promptly experience ear-shattering construction between the hours of 12a.m. and 8a.m. for two weeks after the semester starts.