Fake ASUAF Recap- March 30, 2014

This piece is from the April 1 issue, our April Fool’s Day edition of the newspaper: The Fun Star.  It is intended as satire and not meant to be taken seriously.  All information and quotes were made up.


Kaz Alvarez/Sun Star Reporter

Senators present
Kemper Chabotte, Eli Barry-Garland, Jordyn Houlton, Shane Poindexter, Cordero Reid, Ashley Strauch, Daniel Strigle, Sarah Walker, Lida Zakurdaew, Mickey Zakurdaew

Senators absent
Matthew Carrick, Brix Hahn

Officers present
Ayla O’Scannell and Michael Mancill

Bill Nye

Hologram technology comes to UAF
Senators and Office Manager Anne Williamson have located new technology to allow senators and officers to participate when outside of Fairbanks. Williamson tracked down two hologram sets that can record the movements and speech of a person and project them to a partner device placed onto a seat. Senators and officers will check out the equipment before traveling. O’Scannell was first to use the new technology while away for Model UN in New York. The technology is slightly glitchy and the image fades away for long periods of time. Mancill and Strigle each sat on O’Scannell’s projection.

Perhaps a pake
Carrick proposed a committee be formed to plan an end of the year celebration for ASUAF senators and officers. O’Scannell expressed support of this committee before her projection glitched out again. Strauch offered to be a member to ensure a significant amount of cheesecake would be purchased. Poindexter requested more information on whether cheesecake was cake or pie. This led to a heated debate between senators and officers. Strigle used the bylaws to temporarily appoint Carrick senate chair so that he could weigh in on the discussion. Senators decided to include a poll question on the upcoming elections ballot to allow the student body the final say.

Nye, popularly known as the Science Guy, attended the ASUAF meeting to express his interest in campaigning for ASUAF president. Hull immediately began texting her running mate, Carrick, to have him check if Nye is, in fact, a UAF student. Nye’s platform revolves around promoting the validity of evolution, rolling eyes at elected officials and lengthening lab time for all science courses.

First reading of “SB 182-5678 Conduction of meetings in acappela format” fell flat with the senate. Chabotte and and Barry-Garland cowrote the bill to mandate that all senate meetings must be conducted in acappela fashion. Each senate would choose a tune and only speak to that tune in meetings. O’Scannell vetoed the bill immediately, before Strigle could assign the bill to a committee. “Aca-scuze me?!” Chabotte said. Strigle insisted that decorum be followed.

Meeting spaces
Mancill is attempting to move senate meetings to an alternative location where they can be held more professionally. Mickey Zakurdaew motioned to suspend rules and procedures to move “SB 182-5678 Conduction of meetings in acappela format” back to first reading, prior to O’Scannell’s veto. Strigle reminded Mickey Zakurdaew that suspending rules and procedures did not constitute time travel. Chabotte seconded the motion. The motion was not discussed and passed unanimously. O’Scannell still vetoed the legislation.

The Public Relations and Internal Relations committees did not meet. The Executive Committee met to discuss travel funding. Mickey Zakurdaew motioned to suspend rules and procedures to return to the start of the meeting when the hologram projector was set up. Strigle reminded Mickey Zakurdaew again that suspending rules and procedures did not have the same effect as time travel but allowed the motion. Chabotte seconded the motion. O’Scannell’s projection remained seated at the table alongside Strigle. Strauch motioned to suspend rules and procedures to return to committee reports where she could speak on behalf of the Student Affairs Committee. Houlton seconded and the senate went forward, into the future.

Accepting nominations
Strigle opened the floor for nominations to the Super Senior committee. This committee is an effort made by administration to help students who have taken longer than four years earn their degree. The senators discussed the merits of having a super senior on the committee. Senators decided that discrimination against younger students would be allowed in this case.

“I just feel like anyone who is a super senior won’t want to hear from a younger person,” Mickey Zakurdaew said.

“What are you trying to say?” Lida Zakurdaew said.

“It’s true that younger students, especially freshmen, tend not to understand what it means to be a super senior,” Barry-Garland said. “But do we want a super senior on the committee? They might sabotage from within.”

The senate decided that student members should be between the ages of 20 and 99. An incentive of a free beverage at the Pub would be worked out with Donald Crocker, pub manager, to encourage proper behavior on the committee.

Poindexter motioned to end the meeting and was seconded by Reid. Strigle denied the motion due to the remaining items on the agenda. Mickey Zakurdaew motioned to suspend rules and procedures to move to final roll call. Poindexter, Reid and Lida Zakuraew fought to second the motion. The motion passed unanimously.

The notes listed above are satire. You can find accurate senate notes online.

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