Fun Star: Briefs

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

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Photo credit: Molly Putman


Extinguished

Students have recently noticed the Flame of Wisdom, outside of Lola Tilly Commons, is not burning.

“I was just walking down to the dorms since it’s been getting warm out,” Devante Owens, an art student, said. “And my friend pointed and said, ‘Isn’t that supposed to be burning?’ It is, but can’t even remember the last time I saw it lit.”

Traditionally, the flame is ignited on the first day of classes. A current theory surrounding the dousing of the flame claims it was extinguished as part of a study on student attention span, which was abandoned when West Ridge seceded.

Weapons in dorms

A motion to allow students to carry miniaturized nuclear devices, commonly called “suitcase nukes,” in the dorms, was passed by student government. This follows a January decision to allow students to carry pepper spray.

“Given the climate on campus and fears about Title IX enforcement, we’ve decided to emphasize student safety” said ASUAF President Colby Freel. “It’s all about personal protection—pepper spray really isn’t enough anymore.”

Fully rigged suitcases are available at the UAF police station for anyone with a student ID.

Student Clubs cancelled

Following an impromptu meeting of the Board of Regents in their new, underground meeting room on March 23, all current student clubs have been shut down and any prospective clubs have been banned from forming on any of the UA campuses.

Sources indicate regents cited clubs being an unnecessary expenditure, but this cannot be confirmed, as no one except the board attended the meeting.

“You’ve just got to show up. They’re public meetings, after all,” said Jim Johnsen, a previously unknown man who is supposedly the university president.

The End?

An ancient tablet displayed in the Rasmuson Library has begun emitting low-pitch rumbling noises and glowing an unearthly green color. The sound, which was first reported Feb. 17, has grown louder over the subsequent weeks.

“With the election results, and Strategic Pathways and this Berenstein or Berenstain nonsense,” junior Ann O’Malley said, “I can’t help but think this means something really dark is coming.”

UAFPD have yet to comment on the matter. Students surveyed, including O’Malley, all said they kept calling the station, but no one ever seemed to be available.

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