This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.
Leslie Drumhiller / Fun Star
In an effort to augment the budget deficit, University of Alaska Fairbanks has instituted a fee attachment of $10,000 a credit. For example, a student taking twelve credits would pay an additional $120,000. The UA Office of Budget and Accounting is calling it the E.W. bill or “Everybody Wins.” President J.J. Johnsen assures us within a year, give or take, the University of Alaska will “be in the green.”
The UAF Department of Engineering have announced that they will be turning the new engineering building into a water park. Engineering students have embraced the plan, as their professors have promised that classes will take place in swimming pools and Jacuzzis.
In an effort to feed students during finals week, UA Johnsen has mandated that a sixteen food wall be constructed around the Fairbanks campus. Facility Services will begin construction next week Johnsen believes that the wall will serve as food for hungry students who must study in the twenty-three hour study room, and other study areas around campus. New marshmallows will be added daily.
The University of Alaska Fairbanks Facility Services has announced that during the summer of 2016, the current water supply will be replaced with coffee. 1,000 students were polled, and they said that they supported the measure. “This will greatly improve water quality,” ASUAF President Matthew Carrick said. The head of UAF Faculty Senate have said that they support this measure, because students will be better able to stay awake in class.