FUN STAR: Editorial – The true nature of Concert Board
This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
The Concert Board has become a bit of a running joke over the past few years, but that may be about to change. Last Thursday, I was sent an unexpected email from The Concert Board Liaison Committee, inviting me to a private press conference. No other information was provided, but that was enough to pique my interest and I responded enthusiastically.
As many readers are no doubt aware, the Concert Board’s purpose is to bring performers to the university, but they’ve spent the past three years in relative silence. Some students have forgotten that the board even exists. Even I had gone several minutes without thinking about them before I received this assignment.
After accepting the invitation, I was instructed to pin a blackened carnation to the upper-left part of my shirt and stand at the Wood Center’s loading dock. At exactly 3:21 a.m. as promised, a masked figure opened the door and beckoned me inside. I followed it in silence into the ASUAF office, where a portion of the floor had been pulled back, revealing an open trapdoor with a ladder leading into the darkness. The figure gestured to me to enter alone and after a moment of hesitation, I did.
The ladder couldn’t have been more than 20 feet long, but I felt as though I spent minutes climbing downward into the blackness. The second my feet made contact with the ground, a pale fluorescent light came to life, weakly illuminating the small cavern I found myself standing in. In a circle along the edges of the room, facing me, I saw them. Six people, eyes closed, lying in hermetically sealed stasis pods. Before I had time to comprehend the scene, all of their eyes snapped open and they began speaking.
“For years we have slumbered, waiting for our time,” the Concert Board said in perfect unison. “The year 2017 bodes well. We may take action. We also may not. Either way, it would be wise to prepare yourselves. Spread this message.”
I was thoroughly convinced, but worried about my ability to convey their message.
“But how? Nobody will believe that you really said that,” I said. “Large portions of the student body deny the very existence of the Concert Board.”
They did not respond. They had returned to their slumber. I wordlessly climbed back up the ladder, out of the building and back to my office to write this article. I know that belief in the Concert Board is unpopular today and I understand. However, my fellow students, I assure you: The Concert Board are very real and The Concert Board have delivered a message. It would be foolish to ignore it.