Fun Star: Horoscopes

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

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Photo credit: Molly Putman

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Aren’t you just vibrating with energy? Don’t you just dream of getting out? Getting away? They know you’re thinking about it. Wait too long and you won’t be able to run.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Just for the record: the universe always knew this would happen.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Oh Gemini, haven’t you figured it out yet? Seriously, you haven’t? But it’s so easy! No, I’m not helping you. Help yourself for once.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): The tides are changing, my dear water sign. It’s a new moon tonight and the water is receding. Time to creep up from the depths and start socializing.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Yes.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): It’s breakup season! So break up. I mean it; break off that old relationship for a new one. Not in a relationship? Start one and break up before Spring ends.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Try walking backwards for a better perspective.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): I heard Libra got some interesting advice about walking around backwards. It might be the week to stick your leg out behind them. Just for laughs: you deserve it and so does Libra.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Stop standing around waiting for the correct moment. You’re going to put down roots where you’re waiting and you aren’t even an Earth sign. Unacceptable.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): There was a lunar eclipse in February. It was your time, Capricorn, to strike while the moon was aligned with the Earth. How disappointing.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Did you know that your ruling planet is Uranus? You do now. And so does everyone else. Have fun with that.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): You’re at the end of the list. The stars have no advice for latecomers. Should have picked a better date of birth.

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