Fun Star: Horoscopes
This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.
Kyrie Long / Divination Editor
Aries (March 21 – April 19): The stars tire of speaking to you. Try asking the Earth. She’s been lonely lately. And I heard she’s free Fridays. Ask the Earth out to coffee. She’ll really appreciate that.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Close your eyes and breathe. Do you see the lights? That’s them trying to reach you. Decipher the pattern. They’re calling you home.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): No.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Your standards are too high. Do not forget: we are but mere humans. And you are a crab. We bow before our crab overlord.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): The Sun entered Aries on March 21. This will be a difficult time of year for you. Shelter the crops and settle the children. It is a cold and bitter eleven months without the sun, dear Leo.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Planet Nine will fall in orbit under your sign soon, Virgo. Best to pack your bags. The oncoming apocalypse is the perfect time to take that vacation you’ve been thinking about. Maybe in Bora Bora…
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): It’s the time for celebration. Put on your comfortable shoes and get ready to dance the night away. Dance. Keep dancing. For the love of God, whatever you do, don’t stop dancing.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’ve been taking on too much stress lately. Harness your inner fire. Wait a minute, Scorpio is a water sign? No, that can’t possibly be right. Well then, harness your inner dolphins. Be free Scorpio.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): There is a traitor among you. Run.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Spring is a time for renewal and cleansing, so it’s time for a fresh new life. Throw out all your old things. Pack your bags. Dump your partner. Change your name. Cut ties. Renew with your credit card company and buy a Fiat.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Remember who you are. Who are you? Do you remember yet? Think harder. We need you to wake up.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Romance is in the air! It’s all around you. Searching, surrounding, waiting for you. Accept romance Pisces. It’s been too long since you found love. Try letting love come find you.