Fun Star: Letter from the Editor: Fight me
This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.
Danny Fisher / Editor-in-Chief
You’re askin’ me what I have to say? You’re askin’ me, THE OPINIONATER, what I’ve gotta say to all those folks out there with opinions? Well I’ve got two words, yeah, two words for all the folks out there who have opinions.
Yeah, that’s right. I heard you had an opinion and I want you to know’n that it doesn’t matter what it is, I’m gonna disagree with it so hard you’ll be rattled for weeks. Ooooh yeahhhh, I’ll make you hurt with my disagreein’ annnnnnd the arguing and all the debatin’ I’ll be deliverin’ on ya!
If you approve of a thing, I’m gonna disapprove the crap out of it. And don’t get me wrong, I will personally approve any thing you think is wrong and bad, because who are you kidding? The OPINIONATER won’t be havin’ none of that! OOOOOOH YEAHHHHHH.
Come at me, haters. YEAUUUHHH.
You still think you can take me? Well watch out, ’cause I’ve got a secret weapon that’s gonna END YOU. You know what that weapon is? Facts, yeahhhhh. I’m gonna take those facts, and I’mmmmm gonna say them so hard at you until you cry like a little baby. But watch out, because next I’m gonna throw out some thoughts about those facts and INTERPRETATE them all over your pansy face. Yeahhhhhhhh.
Not convinced? Still think you can take on THE OPINIONATER? Write a letter to the editor. Oooooh yeaaaaah I dare you, write it and see what happens! I’ll PUBLISH that sucker. Yeeeeaaaah. You’ll be headin’ STRAIGHT for a publishin’.
I’ve got a message for all the kids out there listening before the end of the program. Don’t forget, you, too, can have opinions. If you eat your veggies and Slim Jims and drink your milk, someday you’ll be able to have your very own opinion, and fight someone over them just like I do. Yeeeeeah.