Fun Star: Moose forced to use Dine49
This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
A moose found regularly grazing on campus grounds will now be required to purchase a Dine49 meal plan, according to university officials.
“It’s really not fair to the other students if the moose continues to freeload off the university like this,” said Jim Johnsen, who also said that he is president of the university. “I mean we’re in a budget crisis for God’s sake!”
This action has caused outrage among animal rights activists across campus, as students expressed anger that the campus dining facility fails to provide more moose-friendly food options such as willows and small shrubs.
“The moose is gluten-free, vegetarian and vegan,” said Tiffany Smith, a freshman business administration student. “But there’s no student dining option for small shrubs and ruffage. That’s just, like, so unfair!”
Facilities services has unsuccessfully attempted to keep the moose off of campus for some time by plowing massive piles of snow into sections of parking lots across campus. It was discovered only after the fact that the moose could simply walk around these piles.
This issue has brought to light a larger concern regarding habitual freeloading by other campus wildlife. The UA Board of Regents will be voting at their next meeting on how best to handle the influx of squirrels, ravens and chickadees that loiter and consume campus resources on a daily basis.
The adolescent moose in question, a Fairbanks local by the name of Alces McAlces, raised his hackles and stomped his hooves when approached for comment.
As of press time, the Office of Admissions was seen doctoring application documents under the name Alces McAlces.