Fun Star: New tests determine UAF water is ‘actually poison’

This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.


Molly Putman / Layout Editor

A recent water sampling test at UAF locations has revealed that the water is “actually poison,” according to a recent email sent by UAF Facility Services on March 5. However, students are advised not to be concerned.

“People who drink the water need not worry, unless they are pregnant, elderly, young, have a compromised immune system, have an infant, are above the age of 18, are below the age of 18, drink water frequently, or wish to live past the age of 30,” the email states.

Some of the side effects of drinking the water include partial amnesia, excessive procrastination, anxiety, hallucinations and death.

In February, Facility Services stated they would connect with College Utilities Corporation to address an excess of Trihalomethanes in the water.

The connection to CUC should be complete by March 1, 2016,” the email, sent  Feb. 19, said.

Knott A. Lyer says that UAF will still connect to a new water system sometime in the foreseeable future.

“Did we say 2016? That’s actually a typo, we meant by 3016. Sometime in the future we will probably fix this maybe for sure,” Lyer said. “In the meantime, the effects of the poison doesn’t actually set in for a couple years, so this shouldn’t impact student’s abilities to continue paying tuition and fees until graduation.”

Chartwells, the company providing UAF’s dining services, has launched an ad campaign reminding students that they are happy to take their money in exchange for bottles of non-poison water.

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