Fun Star: ‘Phase X’ of Strategic Pathways promises cuts, lasers

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

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Jim Johnsen, a man claiming to be UA President, discusses his plans for "Phase X." He went on to explain his office's newest feature, the deployment button for UAF's defense system. Josh Hartman/ Staff Writer Photo credit: Josh Hartman

The final stage of Strategic Pathways, dubbed “Phase X,” has been announced. The program is slated to include a number of unconventional revenue sources and cost-saving measures.

“A lot of people have been asking me what our endgame is for the Strategic Pathways process,” said Jim Johnsen, who claimed to be UA system president. “This is it. This is my master plan.”

Johnsen delivered his remarks from the new statewide headquarters, an extensive facility built into the Mount Katmai volcano.

Official information on “Phase X” is limited, mostly comprised of topics under consideration including “sustainable harvest of student resources,” “legislative blackmail” and “cuts to liberal arts.” Staff and faculty have received memos encouraging them to cut costs, work efficiently and turn over their children to the administration.

Aspects of the plan can already be seen around campus, as silver-clad administrative officials have begun installing massive “death ray generators” on top of many buildings. The generators are a major part of UAF’s pledge to go green according to Christi Kemper, the manager of UAF’s sustainability office.

“Unlike traditional weapons of mass destruction, our new light-based laser technology has no long term effect on the environment,” Kemper said, “but still provides lethal deterrence against state actors that may seek to halt the Strategic Pathways process.”

“Nothing but ash shall remain,” Johnsen said, stroking the deployment button.

The details of Phase X came as a surprise to many students, as its implementation began over spring break while campus was mostly empty.

“What do you mean there are going to be drones circling the school next semester?” said Erwin Trouble, a West Ridge citizen and physics student. “I was only gone for a week. How could this happen?”

Fellow student Imma Conrad also voiced her concerns over the increased security and surveillance UAF campus will be under next fall.

“It’s just weird. Why do they need so many cameras and bear traps at the entrance to the steam tunnels?” Conrad said “Nothing lives down there right? I mean… Right?”

When asked to comment, Johnsen dismissed student fears over the changes to campus life.

“If our new cloaking technology works as it’s expected to, students won’t even notice a difference next semester,” Johnsen said. “We’ll have a public meeting to allow students to voice their concerns in person, if they’re really that worried about a few cameras, bear traps and death lasers.”

The meeting will be held at an unspecified date and time in the Board of Regents’ lead-lined bunker somewhere in the greater Fairbanks area. Any student interested in expressing their opinion is encouraged to attend.

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