Fun Star Picks, March 30 – April 4
This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.
Wednesday, March 30
You guys!! It’s Celine Dion’s 29th birthday! Again! So get out this Hump Day evening and get your Dion on!
– Lida Zakurdaew / Distribution Manager
Thursday, March 31
Take this day to brace yourself for the myriad of poorly-conceived jokes that will be posted all over social media. Not our jokes, mind, because ours are expertly executed works of satire. But the annoying ones where a company makes up a product that’s fake unless they think enough people will buy it? Or those painfully obviously fake news articles about new seasons of “Firefly?” Those ones. I’m thinking if I can time my drinking right, I can be hungover for the entirety of Friday and just sleep through the whole thing. – Spencer Tordoff / Web Editor
Friday, April 1
The Alaska State Legislature has issued a statewide ban on April Fools’ Day. “It’s just not in the budget,” Representative Tammie Wilson said. “In fact, to make up for the deficit caused by past April Fools’ expenditures, I am proposing we cut the University of Alaska Fairbanks’ budget by at least 5 percent.”
In lieu of the holiday, I’m suggesting you attend First Friday, from 9 a.m.-5 p.m. at the Fine Arts Complex. This Friday, works from Junko Ledneva are being showcased. – Kyrie Long / Copy Editor
Sunday, April 3
Today is National “Hug your professor,” day! Show your thanks for the people on campus who put up with our daydreaming, late assignments and faked reading responses in an attempt to make us well-rounded and educated individuals by hugging your favorite instructor -Danny Fisher / Editor-in-Chief
Monday, April 4
Well season two of Netflix’s Daredevil is out, so I suggest you make some popcorn or other unhealthy snack food of your choice and binge out on handsome men who punch things real good. Alternatively, you can lie on your bed and think about your life choices, which is what I will be doing as I live in a cabin in the woods with no internet, because GCI and ACS hate me. I’m only six miles from campus!!! Is THAT REALLY TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU?!?? DAMN YOU FAIRBANKS AND YOUR SPOTTY INTERNET COVERAGE – Molly Putman / Layout Editor