Fun Star: Regents hold second public meeting in bunker
This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
While the board of regent’s meeting location is “off the beaten path,” students should still be able to easily find and participate in the meetings, according to the board’s spokesperson who quickly dropped down the ladder before answering any further questions.
The Board of Regents will be holding this year’s fifth meeting on April 1. The meeting is open to the public, and will be held in the same location as last time—a bunker buried 200 feet below a nondescript building somewhere in the Fairbanks North Star Borough. The meeting time is not predetermined, but the last meeting occurred between 1:42 and 2:19 a.m.
“The new location is great,” Regent Dale Anderson said, “It’s really a great place for productive meetings. … The location is fairly easy to get to once you get used to the lack of windows.”
Although the meeting location is off the road system, the board of regents’ website includes clear instructions on how to get there.
“From the university, drive to the end of Johansen expressway and take a left onto the Steese Highway. Drive down the Steese until you get to the 14th large rock and walk the direction that that rock faces for exactly 8,047 feet or 1.524 miles. The building will be dead-ahead, you can’t miss it,” the website reads.
The April 1 meeting will include a segment for public testimony on a number of important issues. People who wish offer their testimony will need to sign up at least 20 minutes before the meeting starts at its non-predetermined time.
“This is ridiculous,” said Deirdre Skye, a sophomore studying natural resources and sustainability. “I mean, they could have at least put some flyers up around campus if they wanted to get the word out.”
“The new location could be considered to be a bit of a dramatic change,” Anderson said. “But I do truly think it is one for the better. Ultimately, I’d say it will improve our relationship with the students and community.”