Fun Star: Residence life seeks reimbursement from unlikely tenant
This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events or real people is purely coincidental, and should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.
Residence Life is seeking to collect back housing fees from the illegal resident of the underground tunnel system.
The resident, a large and bulbous creature named Asper Gillis, took refuge in the underground tunnels back in 2009. When he was first discovered and approached by authorities he claimed he had been seeking asylum. Gillis told University Police that in his “native soil” he was being run out of the ground by assailants. Gillis said he feared for his life and that such assailants had smoked him with chemicals on more than one occasion.
At the time, Gillis was reported
(use "was reported" instead. -K)” class=” collapsed”>to be a very meek creature with a stout figure and occasion limp. Police took pity on Gillis and told him that he could stay for a few weeks, until he “got his feet on the ground.”
(use "was reported" instead. -K)” class=” collapsed”>7 years later and Gillis has grown roots in his tunnel getaway. Gillis stands at almost 8 feet tall, with a dark complexion and splotchy skin.
Recent complaints of a foul odor coming from the ventilation system in the MBS complex prompted Res Life to investigate the unwarranted resident.
The Office of the Bursar created an account for Gillis and charged him $15,532 for back housing fees. The dean of students says that Gillis will also be mandated to complete the AlcoholEdu and Haven training courses if he wishes to remain on university property.
While investigations are still underway, authorities say that the stench is indeed coming from the tunnels and that several students have sought medical treatment for respiratory illness. The students believe the staunch odor and recent bout of respiratory fatigue is indeed the result of Asper Gillis’ occupancy.
Chief of Police Steve Goetz said, “further investigation will need to be pursued to determine if Gillis poses any real threat to the university and its inhabitants. At this time, there is no conclusive evidence to determine that he does. We’re doing everything in our control to ensure a proper and thorough investigation.”
Goetz says that Gillis is allowed to maintain his occupancy until investigations come to a completion.