Fun Star: Resignations probably normal?

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.


The officials answered no questions following their press conference, which was held Friday at Murie Auditorium. Pictured (left to right): UAF Interim Chancellor Dana Thomas, Applied Genetics CEO Richard Fink, Secretary of Defense James Mattis, and Army General Mike Dallyn. Tauseef Mahmood/ Staff Photographer Photo credit: Tauseef Mahmood

In what is almost certainly just an unusual coincidence, resignations effective April 1 were tendered by several university leaders, high-ranking members of the military and executives in the genetics industry.

“This was a difficult decision for us,” Interim Chancellor Dana Thomas said at a joint press conference held by all resigning parties.

“We decided that it’s important for us to spend more time with our families,” added Secretary of Defense James Mattis.

The announcement leaves the University without a chancellor, dean of students, or heads for several departments including biology, astrophysics and music.

All of the resignees said that their sudden retirements had nothing to do with a possible bioweapons development program being operated on campus and insisted that such a program definitely did not cause the disappearance of all philosophy majors from UAF in spring 2015.

“I realize that UAF’s budget woes and isolated student body makes it seem ideal as a testbed for military-applied splicing techniques,” said CEO Sandra Hodan of the Seattle-based firm MultiGen. “But these wild conspiracy theories are uncalled for.”

“We just felt the way to go was for all of us to resign at one press conference,” added Hodan. “Saves time for everybody, you know?”

As of press time, the retired leaders were seen at the airport trying to book flights out of town “before anything else happens.”

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