Fun Star: UAF Office of Admissions rejects applicant
This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.
Spencer Tordoff / Web Editor
Following their review of test scores, transcripts and accompanying forms last Friday, the UAF Office of Admissions and the Registrar rejected an applicant for Fall Semester 2016.
“Thank you for your interest in the University of Alaska Fairbanks,” read a letter sent to the prospective student by the office. “After careful review of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to UAF this coming fall.”
The student in question, Mark Madison of Desert Springs, CA, was found to not meet UA system requirements for admission.
“This is a very unusual situation for us,” Mary Kreta, UAF Director of Admissions, said. “As Mark’s paperwork was filled out in crayon and contained several obvious errors, I figured we’d better have a second look at his materials.”
“Typically we’ll send an acceptance letter to anybody who applies,” said Kreta.
A review of school records found that since opening to students in 1922, UAF has never before rejected an applicant. This de-facto policy resulted in a number of embarrassing gaffes for the university, including the admittance of a suede loveseat in 1954, a Volkswagen Microbus in 1968 and no less than two deceased persons in 1937 and 2002 respectively.
In one particularly confusing incident, a muskox belonging to the Large Animal Research Station was granted admission in 1988. Records indicate that the arctic grazing mammal, nicknamed “Terry,” graduated in 1991 with a degree in Women’s and Gender Studies.
Attempts to contact Madison reached the applicant’s parents, who said they were previously unaware of their son’s interest in UAF. The Madisons said that they did not know why or how their five-year-old had applied to the University of Alaska, but noted that they probably would not allow him to attend college for at least a few more years.
“This is an embarrassing incident, one that reflects poorly on our institution,” said Interim Chancellor Mike Powers. “But with the budget being what it is, we really can’t afford to turn down anybody.”
At press time, Powers announced he was seeking a way to accept Madison’s tuition money despite the Admissions Office decision.