Fun Star: UAF Police Department to be cut completely, replaced by student militia
This article is a work of satire, so unbunch your panties, please.
Erin McGroarty / Fun Star
In an effort to further decrease deficit spending, UA officials have moved to cut campus police departments entirely, replacing the long-standing campus security system with a new militia made up of heavily-armed students.
This decision coincides with discussion of SB 174, which would allow for open carry of firearms on campus.
“Two birds and one stone… or bullet rather,” UA President Jim Johnsen said. “We’re saving huge amounts of money and the students get more responsibility. That’s what they wanted, right?”
According to UA officials, arming students on campus, will do away with the need for a professional police force.
To fully comply with this new policy, every student on campus will be issued a semi-automatic assault rifle, even the students who don’t want one.
“This isn’t about campus security: this is about America,” shouted Representative Tammie Wilson during a press release.
Wilson expressed concern regarding the increased number of free-thinkers campuses have been producing over the past few years. She hopes that the presence of weapons in the classroom will help to quell student’s desires to express their thoughts and opinions, she said.
“The university isn’t here to educate future generations of Alaskans, it’s here to make money,” Wilson said.
Many members of the community have expressed serious concern regarding the new allowance of firearms on campus, particularly with regard to The Pub.
Testimonies provided by community members suggest that there are significant doubts regarding the safety of mixing of firearms and alcohol.
University officials and senators alike are working to assure the public that the implementation of the new policy will in fact keep campus safer than it was before.
To further address those specific concerns, students will now be issued bulletproof vests upon entering the pub.
“This is like having constant campus-wide police patrol,” said Fairbanks Senator Pete Kelly, “Does it have the potential of turning the campus into a real life Hunger Games? Maybe. But we’re hopeful that that won’t be case.”
“This is about our rights!” said Clay Reynolds, sporting a ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ t-shirt, “Sure the second amendment was written in a time when it took half an hour to load a single round, but that’s beside the point! Having guns on campus means we can get the bad guys before they get us!”
As it turns out, all of the reallocated funds from the police department cuts have been subsequently spent on building a bulletproof glass enclosure around the Butrovich building. However, as is the tradition at UAF, this newest building project is predicted to be left unfinished for the next several years.