Hess Village complex annexed by Hell

A sink hole leading to Hell forms under apartment 757 in Hess Village. Photo by Jesse Hoff/The Fun Star

By Andrew Sheeler
Fun Star Reporter

The following article is satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.

Students residing in Hess Village were informed last Friday that a portal into the abyss had opened up beneath the family housing complex. Residents expressed shock and dismay as Noel Rathbun, complex manager for Facilities Services went door to door, accompanied by a young priest and an old priest, to inform them that they would be evacuated as their homes were to be consigned to the blackened bosom of El Diablo.

“This is ridiculously short notice!” said one resident, who was unable to give his name due to being devoured by a ravening hell-beast shortly afterward. Other residents responded with disbelief, resentment, and recitation of the Lord’s Prayer as the forces of darkness descended upon them.

Noel Rathbun said that Residence Life and Facilities Services had suspected a gateway to the dark realms existed beneath the family housing units. “There were some signs. Stuff like pipes rattling like the moans of the damned, the dead rising from the earth, and water faucets running red with blood. But we had to make sure. People don’t want to be inconvenienced, especially in the middle of the semester.” Rathbun provided families of the units most directly affected with moving boxes, relocation assistance and cases of silver bullets and holy water.

Schmandrew Schmeeler, a ruggedly good-looking and brilliant student who lives in Hess Village with his 5-year-old child prodigy, described his school schedule as being negatively impacted by the sudden move. “Despite my rugged good looks and brilliance, it’s been a real challenge. There’s been the packing, the constant communication with Noel [Rathbun] and a seemingly endless horde of zombies to decapitate. Midterms are coming up too,” Schmeeler said.

Schmeeler went on to say that he was incredibly frustrated with the last-minute timing of the notification and would be moving in the near future. “This is just too much,” Schmeeler said, “I’ve got family down in California. I hear that Sunnydale is nice this time of year.”

Belinda Norris, the Family/Faculty Housing Coordinator for Residence Life, said that those surviving families who evacuated would be temporarily housed at Sophie’s Plaza apartment complex until the end of May. By then, either Earth’s mightiest heroes will close the mouth of Hell or all will dwell in darkness.

For their part, the denizens of Hell are impressed with Hess Village. “Wait, for a little over $1,000 a month you get utilities paid, free internet and cable, and an in-unit washer/dryer combo? Plus a great location? This is so much better than the third circle of Hell!” said Azrael, a demon lord.

Although Lucifer was busy devouring the blood of traitors, his spokesdemon said that the Dark Lord was “terribly, terribly pleased” with the recent acquisition of UAF’s family housing complex and looked forward to the rest of the campus suffering a similar fate.

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