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Letters to the Editor: April 1, 2014

This piece is from the April 1 issue, our April Fool’s Day edition of the newspaper: The Fun Star.  It is intended as satire and not meant to be taken seriously.  All information and quotes were made up.

 

Dear editor (the previous editor),

After a long year of mistakes, offenses and ridiculous blunders, you have fallen to a new low!

You’ve stepped down, giving us hope for a new paper. Surely now we will have a reprieve, a chance to read happy stories! Stories about success. Stories about communities coming together. We could have calm articles about administrative business, academic accomplishments and real news.

Instead, we move from investigative reporting to unadulterated melodrama! Your attempts at investigating supposed conspiracies were tiring to read. Your long articles force an exhausted brain to think much too hard in the afternoon. You don’t even have good comics!

Under the reign of Miss Euphoria, we’ll be subjected to sexual advice in every article that is beyond the realm of physical possibility. The last hope I have held onto is that Miss Euphoria will refrain from continuing her column and keep sex out of the editorials.

Below is how I feel about the rest of this year.

Let’s not talk about sex, baby
Let’s just talk about you and her
Let’s talk about all the mistakes
and the blunders that you’ve done,
Let’s not talk about sex.

I hope you both are fired.

Sincerely,

Ina Clozzette

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