Miss Euphoria

Miss Euphoria, I feel so unloveable. I’ve never dated anyone. What can I do to change my thoughts?

Masturbation and positive thinking, together, have been solving people’s issues for longer than you’ve had yours. I would say try those and if they don’t work, your next step is therapy.


Euphoria, my fiance and I have been saving ourselves for marriage but recently I’ve been having some really dirty thoughts. I don’t really want to wait until next year to have sex with her. Should I tell her that?

Explore your dirty thoughts! It’s never easy being honest about what you want but there’s always the chance that she’ll be thinking the same thing. If you’re lucky, honesty could lead to you getting even more lucky… good luck!


Do you think I should move in with a guy that I’ve only know for a month? He’s offering me free housing but I think I might have to put out for it.

There’s always a snatch! I would so do it, if you’re wanting to but don’t forget that there’s always a price. Play the game if that’s your only option.


I heard a rumor last year that you were coming out with Miss Euphoria condoms. Is that true? I would love this campus to start being more sex positive and that would be a great first step. Please tell me you’re doing it.

I would love to! Basically, I just need funding from a University group or something. Talk to the campus health center about collaborating with me and it’s a done deal. I would love to see more condoms around campus, and I’m always a big promoter of sex positivity.


Miss Euphoria, while my boyfriend was eating me out, his tongue went to an unexpected place and suddenly my booty was being licked. Does this make him gay or what is his obsession with it? Also, I like it but it makes me really uncomfortable; is there a way to make it less awkward?

Oh dear gods, do you mean straight people have figured out they have asses too? This is something the gays have known since ancient times but his backdoor obsession doesn’t make him gay. The way to make it less awkward and more enjoyable is to talk about what you both like first before doing anything, then continue licking! Tell me how it turns out!


Miss Euphoria, living in the dorms makes it hard to have a great sex life. I try to be respectful to my roommate but then I end up getting frustrated from not getting laid. Do you have an words of wisdom for me?

The first thing you need to do is sit down with your roommate and come up with a schedule for your room so that you can have sex. Let him know what time you’ll be there, you know just in case he wants to watch or something, and things should work out just fine!


After joking with a friend about scat porn, I looked some of it up and was thoroughly grossed out, then a couple of days ago my girlfriend put whip cream on herself and wanted me to lick it up. I kept thinking about the video I had seen and was too grossed out to do anything so I left. What do I do?

Telling her that she reminded you of a scat porno you watched earlier probably isn’t the best idea. I’m all about exploring fetishes but you should stick to the ones you’re into. Just tell her you read the latest issue of Cosmo and you don’t want to get diabetes, she’ll be impressed and you won’t have to tell her about watching what was probably literally a shit storm. Good luck!

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