Miss Euphoria: Anal Sex and Alaska’s Same-sex Marriage History
by Miss Euphoria
Before I get to your questions, here’s a little Euphoric Alaskan history lesson:
In 1998, the state passed a ban on same-sex marriage. The ban, known as Ballot Measure 2, passed with 62 percent of this great state’s voters deciding that they wanted to define a marriage as between one man and one woman.
The statement of support for this reads, “Ballot Measure No. 2 does not ‘target’ anybody or ‘deny’ anybody their rights.” Well now we’re back to 2014. Early last week, the 9th District Court of Appeals declared that bans on same-sex marriage were a violation of the 14th Amendment of the United States and, with Alaska among the states under their jurisdiction, gay marriages (sometimes referred to as just marriages) commenced. Industrious Barrow lesbians were the first to marry, because their wait period was waived by Magistrate Mary Treiber. Of course, less than an hour after the District Court’s decision Sean Parnell – oh wait, he’s still the governor of Alaska for now – Gov. Sean Parnell said he would “defend” Alaska’s constitution which translated into wanting to back the one man, one woman definition of marriage set up in 1998. Okay, now let’s get to your questions:
Miss Euphoria, has your opinion of marriage and monogamy in general changed since your article last semester titled “Monogamy (and other things I don’t approve of)”?
Not at all. I am happy, however, that the same governmental benefits are now available to gay couples as are already given to straight ones.
Miss Euphoria, is anal sex more pleasurable when it’s protected and controlled… by the government?
Yes! But just in case I’m wrong, you should get gay-married and find out.
People keep saying that traditional marriage is being attacked and mocked by this decision. Do you agree with this?
Well, tradition marriage took a huge hit in 1998 when marriage was defined in Alaska as being between one man and one woman. When one man was no longer able to marry multiple wives, traditional marriage and gay marriage were both restricted. I guess I don’t really agree, but I’d love to have readers write in and tell me why I’m wrong!
Miss Euphoria, is there a special condom for gay guys to use or do the regular condoms on campus work okay?
Oh, people still use condoms? (Just kidding UAF Health Center!) To answer the question, yes, those regular condoms are fine for whatever you’re about to do!
(Quick note to readers: The UAF Health Center has free condoms available in their location by the Police Department. The condoms there are available to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation. There is also STI and HIV testing available if you schedule an appointment. Now your status ya’ll!)
Alaska should pass some sodomy laws. Let all you queers marry as much as you want but good luck trying to legally f**k.
Oops! You forgot to ask a question. The history of sodomy laws in Alaska are, however, fascinating and whoever you are, you should look them up and get familiar. My favorite part of studying them was reading about how in 1969, the first sodomy case went before the Alaska Supreme Court… talk about good timing. Also, since the 1980’s archaic sodomy laws have been overturned in Alaska but best of luck trying to reintroduce them.
Miss Euphoria, my husband and I have been together for several years now. We were married in Canada, but that was not recognized when we came back here to Alaska. We are planning to file for recognition of our marriage and we wanted your thoughts. Are there anything things we should discuss with each other before marrying? For instance, we both like to be on top… should we talk about who gets to do what and when?
Ugh, no wonder the lesbians scooped up the first marriages in Alaska, gays are so unorganized. Yes, you should have talked about that kind of thing long before you decided to get government benefits from being together! Of course, my opinion is that you should open that soon-to-be-recognized marriage and both enjoy yourselves to the fullest. Other things you should discuss include… wait I can’t think of any, I’m too bored by the thought of a lifetime commitment.
Miss Euphoria is Alaska’s premier drag entertainer. When she’s not writing for the UAF Sun Star, she’s participating in sodomy or checking her Facebook Page, which can be found here.
Disclaimer: Miss Euphoria is not a real sex therapist or health professional, regardless of what she might think. The advice in this column is intended for comedic purposes only. Events or advice may be exaggerated for comedic effect. The views presented in this column are not that of the Sun Star, but Miss Euphoria. Any serious sexual questions should be directed to the UAF Health Center