Miss Euphoria: Buy Sexual

Miss Euphoria/ Sun Star Columnist

Feb. 25, 2014

Miss Euphoria, is this normal? Sometimes I bleed right after sex.

Girl, don’t we all? Oh, wait, no we don’t. It could be an STI (or whatever they’re calling it these days). Believe me, sexually transmitted diseases are only fun for like the first few weeks. I suggest going to the on-campus clinic and getting checked out. Also, mention my column or buy my T-shirt and wear it in! (Wink!)

Miss Euphoria help! My girlfriend farts, or maybe it’s more polite to say: releases gaseous odor, when she orgasms. I am not sure what to do. I have tried to pretend I didn’t notice, but it’s rather difficult to do that. Is there a polite way to ask her to take anti-gas medication for the sake of our sex life? It’s definitely not a turn on, and it frustrates me because I know that it could be fixed!

The wonderful thing about being in a healthy relationship is how honest you can be, but it sounds like you two are not being wonderful! Fun sex comes from open communication. Make it a conversation without sounding accusatory and explain how you feel while also giving her a chance to tell you how she feels. If that doesn’t work, you have options, not everyone’s body functions in that special way during orgasm. Also there’s fart fetishists out there, just in case she needs to know that she has options too! Let me know how things turn out.

My recent sexscapade gets soft when I’m on top, but it’s where I get the most pleasure. We talked about it and agreed we would mix it up, but he bucks me off before finishing me off! Other positions are fun but just don’t have the same effect on me. What would Miss Euphoria do? Love you much! ~Bedroom rodeo

I ain’t no first time rodeo hoe, so I know all about wild things that like to buck… me off. Sometimes you have to just use a lasso to retrain that wild beast and then have your way with him, but like in a fun, adult, non-rapey way. Other times, however, like if he’s getting soft and things like such as, you both just need to forget the rodeo and get sideways. It’s not really conventional yet, but it’s catching on almost as fast as oral sex did. Oh! P.S. one leg in the air (for either one of you) will take it to a whole new level of crazy excitement. Get it!

How can I get my son’s boyfriend to stop laying in bed all day and get a job?

Lay there right beside him and pet his hair while you purr about how lucky your son is to have him in as a boyfriend. My euphoric guarantee is he will leap out of bed and get a job or you’ll ruin your son’s relationship and he’ll have to move on… win/win! You’re welcome.

Miss Euphoria, I’m a bisexual guy who has been dating around. Recently my friends told me that I should tell the girls and guy that I’m seeing about each other, but I have no desire. Is that bad? I always use protection with all of them. I’m worried if I tell them that they might all just not be interested in seeing me anymore. What do I do?

Well you’re right to be cautious, sometimes admitting to be bisexual means that they will say bye… sexual and leave, but it’s important to take that risk. There seems to be a lot of you out there, but none of you are open about it because of all the elephants in the room… if you know what I mean. Claim it, enjoy it! I recently came out of the closet as being buy-sexual but other people just call it being a whore. Oh well… we’re both misunderstood. Be honest, honesty is euphoric!

Was this the best advice you’ve ever read? That’s what I thought, now go tweet yourself or Miss Euphoria @euphoricadvice. No seriously… go tweet and use the hashtag “#UAForic” to say what your favorite part of campus life is at UAF. Best tweet will win a Lady Gaga CD and a retweet from Euphoria his/herself! Facebook stalk her HERE and don’t forget to submit your questions!

Miss Euphoria is Alaska’s premier drag “entertainter” and the most beloved tranimal to ever flounce across the Arctic tundra! When she’s not commenting on all the drilling that goes on in Sarah Palin’s… Alaska, she can be found talking about how cool Cancer is (as opposed  to the other zodiac signs). His/her expansive… wisdom and “life-changing advice” was cultivated in a religious CULTure known as Whitestone Farms

Disclaimer: Miss Euphoria is NOT a real sex therapist or health professional. The advice in this column is intended for comedic purposes only. Events or advice may be exaggerated for comedic effect.

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