Miss Euphoria: Guy Dance

Miss Euphoria/ Sun Star Columnist

Feb. 11, 2014

Miss Euphoria, my girlfriend is currently on a diet and doesn’t want to swallow. This shouldn’t be a problem, but by the time I’m close, I’m usually halfway down her throat. What do I do?

Well, I think everyone should switch to the Raw Food diet but it’s apparently not up to me. If her dietary restrictions require her to avoid organic protein, have her avoid large objects that are full of it. I suggest handies.

Hey, I’m trying to live a euphorically gay life but I’m finding it hard… with all these sexy Mormon boys on campus. I flirted with one of them and felt like he was into me. Do Mormons prefer directness or do they like to beat around my bush? I don’t want to screw this up and I’m pretty sure he’s into me. What should my next step be?

If you want to cure his blue…s then I suggest you just have fun and don’t expect any Mormon-boy dates in your future. Have you ever talked about the Book of Mormon with him? Try that, and praying in the bathroom on your knees.

Euphoria (not Miss), my girlfriend asks for sexy pictures in return when she sends them to me but then gets annoyed at what I send her? What does she want?

Sorry to bust in your bubble but women probably don’t want pictures of the one-eyed monster in your sweatpants… but I do. Try sending her pictures that include your face and body too. Girls often lament that their boy toys aren’t sending good enough pictures, and that is usually what they want to see more of. Also, and this is a sidenote, the big thing this year is sock puppets! Put the sock puppet over that deep-V diver and let it tell a fun story. Everyone is doing it! Don’t get left out!

Miss Euphoria, is there a way of telling my girlfriend that she needs to lose weight without sounding rude? We’ve been together for two years now and recently she’s put on over 50 lbs. I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not attracted to how she looks right now.

Hand her this issue of the Sun Star with this question highlighted. There’s no way of saying it without coming across as rude. As a plus sized (pretend) woman, I would be hurt if you said it to me, but I’d certainly change. I would either change boyfriends, or I would change into my workout clothes and head to the SRC. I think you should be honest, but know that she might have options that don’t include you. Yay for honesty!

Do you agree or disagree with this advice? Tweet your thoughts to@euphoricadvice or Facebook stalk her HERE and don’t forget to submit your questions!

Miss Euphoria is Alaska’s premier drag entertainer. When she’s not prancing on the Chancellor’s List, she can be found studying Cancer… and other zodiac signs. Her exhaustive wisdom and “life-changing advice” was cultivated on a religious commune known as Whitestone. 



Disclaimer: Miss Euphoria is NOT a real sex therapist or health professional. The advice in this column is intended for comedic purposes only. Events or advice may be exaggerated for comedic effect. 

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