Miss Euphoria: Halloween Special

Miss Euphoria, because Halloween seems to be about sexualizing everyday-drag, I’m trying to figure out what my costume should be. I’m an overweight woman, what are your suggestions? P.S. this costume needs to help me get laid!

You should dress like a potato… a sexy potato! When you’re flirting at a party, I suggest lines like, “Want to mash this?” So yeah, do that… or ANYTHING else!

Miss Euphoria answers your questions every week.

Miss Euphoria answers your questions every week.

 

How did ‘cold as a witch’s tit’ originate?

Grandmother! They’re talking about you again!

 

Recently I did something with my boyfriend that was so freaky that I seriously can’t even speak of it. I’m worried that, because we reached that level of depravity, he’ll want to go even further because it’s Halloween. The thought of that is nauseating.  How do I tell him that I’m not ready to do that kind of stuff again?

What did you two do? I think I smell a prude. I suggest that you dress up as Mother Teresa, fly down and care for Ebola infected Texans, and stop taking your sex life so seriously. You should be enjoying yourself… find whatever that means to you (it probably means finding someone who you have more in common with). Is that harsh?

 

Miss Euphoria, I can’t stand Halloween! Can you think of a fun alternative to this ludicrous holiday?

Oh yeah, people dressing up as someone they’re not… how ludicrous! Go do whatever you want. If you have homework, do that! That way, while your friends are getting drunk at an overrated social gathering, you’ll be getting things done.   

 

Miss Euphoria, is it safe to have sex dressed as an innocent girl being attacked by a vampire and have fake blood everywhere?

Umm, it sounds (maybe) physically safe but also pretty psychotic… I love it! It’s questions like these that make me so happy. (Wait did you say everywhere… I want to know more about THAT.)

 

Miss Euphoria, what’s your advice for a single gay guy wanting to go out to meet people this Halloween?

Umm, don’t. There’s so many other ways to meet people. Trying to figure out if the guy dressed as a sexy cop is a serial killer or just really into auto-errotic acts is just not a good use of time. Continue your search at a time when people are not actively trying to dress up as something they are not. (Oh, but go to the last question).

 

I’m dressing as a basic bitch this Halloween, could I borrow an outfit?

Well I love this, but what I love even more is that you submitted this question like seven times. It’s funny but settle down.

 

Miss Euphoria, what is the official sex soundtrack of October? I figure a queen should always know these things.

It’s Cazwell’s new album Hard 2 B Fresh. He’s the only gay rapper t hat I’ve ever heard that is highly relevant and hysterical. The album’s perfect for every occasion. Ever since I first bought it, it has stayed on repeat.

 

Is there an event that I should be attending this Halloween weekend? I’m trying to be more social and I don’t want to miss a thing.

YES. DJ Pika is going to be at the UAF Pub on Saturday, Nov. 1st and you don’t want to miss it. Go and have a blast and have a great week in the meantime!

Miss Euphoria is Alaska’s premier drag entertainer. When she’s not writing for the UAF Sun Star, she’s going to the UAF Pub to see DJ Pika or checking the messages on her Facebook Page, which can be found here.

Disclaimer: Miss Euphoria is not a real sex therapist or health professional, regardless of what she might think. The advice in this column is intended for comedic purposes only. Events or advice may be exaggerated for comedic effect.  The views presented in this column are not that of the Sun Star, but Miss Euphoria.  Any serious sexual questions should be directed to the UAF Health Center.

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