Miss Euphoria: Performance

Miss Euphoria/ Sun Star Reporter

April 18, 2014

Miss Euphoria, I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for about three months and it was going fine until a few days ago. We were about to have sex when I started getting soft. It was embarrassing for both of us and now she thinks I’m not attracted to her. What should I do in the future to make sure this doesn’t happen?

In the wise words of Beyonce: if you like it (to stay up) then you should have put a cock ring on it. They are very in this spring.

Hello Miss Euphoria, I’ve had sex many times but have never been able to ride a guy. Partially because I’m extremely tight (one would think I’d be the opposite), as well as the “outstanding” contributing factor that I’m a curvier woman (not obese, just bigger hips and thighs). I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt my partner if I even attempt to ride him because of my weight. I’ve attempted once the second time I had sex but was way too tight to keep going. Any tips on how to “let go” and/or to make things easier?

If being tight is the issue then riding a guy would actually be the most comfortable way for you to have sex (regardless of your curves). I think the real problem is insecurity. I saw you get up on those men and ride them… let them worry about their own safety and just have the time of your life, because as I said before, riding is actually the best way for someone who is tight.

Alright, Miss Euphoria, I need some advice. A long time ago (before I realized I’m pansexual) I had a short fling with a guy. He moved out of state shortly afterwards and we lost contact for a long while. Since then, I’ve had relationships with girls, which I want to continue on with. The only problem is, in the past few months me and this guy have re-connected and have taken a liking to each other. But now I feel like I’m stuck in this long-distance somewhat relationship with a guy, but all I want to do is be with women here. I do care about him, and I feel like if I break it off that he’ll be gone forever. While I don’t want that, I also don’t want to restrict myself sexually and emotionally just because of him, I really want to be with more girls! This fight with myself has been happening for the past month or so. What do you think I should do?!

Well, I’ve gotten questions similar to this in the past and my answer is usually the same: communicate. Tell him that you are interested in him but you are also exploring your sexual identity with women as well. Seeing as he’s not even in the same state, I think it should be just fine and he’ll understand but if not then it was meant to be. Whatever you do… talk about it with all the parties involved so they don’t feel cheated out of getting to know who you are! Since you’re far apart you can always spice up the distance with webcam shows and texting dirty pictures but that’s so obvious, I’m sure you already do that. PS. I’ve never met a real pansexual before but perhaps that’s because monogamy has such an elevated status within our society… best of luck to you in dealing with assholes.

Miss Euphoria, I just met my boyfriends parents which was weird in all by itself but then over dinner they joked about him bottoming and made him feel like shit. Was it appropriate of them to talk about who bottoms and who tops in our relationship?

I don’t have context for their comments it sounds like they were just trying to make him embrace what he is (I’m assuming a lot and we all know what that makes me and you or whatever). Every gay man out there professes to be top and guess what… that’s not how it works. If the parents were mean then I’m sorry for your boyfriend but he shouldn’t be ashamed of it. #bottompride is an actual thing on twitter so there’s that!

Hey Euphoria, I’ve been considering doing drag for a long time and I have a question. Does doing drag get in the way of meeting guys? I totally wish I didn’t care about things like that but it does matter to me.

Hey girl hey! I wish I could tell you that it doesn’t because I would love to have more drag queens here in Fairbanks but the  truth is that it does. Gay guys start off feeling less masculine a lot of the time and don’t want to associate with effeminate guys because they get teased a lot. For some reason drag is considered worse than being gay. Living on the small rural CULTure that I grew up on, a lot of people stopped talking to me when I came out as gay but when people found out I did drag literally none of them talked to me anymore. It gets in the way of a lot areas of my life but it also shows me the best parts of people too. The messages I get on my Facebook page are so beautiful and the guys I meet who don’t care that I like to perform in lip-gloss are a lot better than guys who are afraid of a boy in a dress. Basically I think you should totally do it and become your own hero. PS: you should let me know if you do!

Miss Euphoria, earlier this year I found out who you were and was shocked. You are such a shy boy when you’re not in drag. Do you have an advice for people who are just as shy as you but don’t have a larger-than-life persona and are afraid to meet new people?

Yeah! Get a persona or stop being shy!

Miss Euphoria, for all your sex talking and shit I’ve never seen you perform. This semester it would be nice to see you performing as well as keep up with the column if you are really a real drag queen.

I saved your lack-of-a-question comment for this week because guess what! I’m performing this week! It will be on Friday night and it’s going to be great so cancel all your plans and I’ll see you there. Angry Young & Poor is putting on a great drag show and you will not want to miss it. Also prepare for audience participation!

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