Miss Euphoria: Try Sexual

Miss Euphoria/ Sun Star Columnist

Mar. 11, 2014

Euphoria, what is the best way to cuddle? I know it’s not a sex question, but please answer!

Umm… try sexual: involve your fingers!

I recently had some rough sex with a friend of mine, and the next morning, my mom noticed my bruises. She thinks that he assaulted me, but I clearly wanted it (insert your euphoric wink). How should I tell her that he didn’t and that I actually enjoy rough sex? It’s a rather touchy subject in my family.

Sock puppets. I really find them vital when trying to explain things. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… if it’s hard to say, have a sock puppet say it instead. PS: Assault is not something that I would wink at, but rough sex totally is, go get it!

Miss Euphoria, a few nights ago, while my husband and I were having sex and he was reaching climax, he said, “Sit on my d***, you fat bitch.” I was a little hurt but curiosity won out. He has tried to pretend like it never happened. Is there a way for me to bring it up and talk about it without sounding like I’m a victim looking for an apology? I really just want to know what was going on in his head. Thinking about it now, it kind of turns me on and I feel like if he talked about it, it could lead to better sex for both of us.

Your response to his remarks just makes me giddy. We should totally hang out because I just know that you’re fabulous. As to your question, I would just use it yourself, in the context it was used before. After you’ve made it clear that you’re fine with it, then bring it up later. You’re handling this euphorically!

Miss Euphoria, I am engaged to a guy who wants me to remain a “virgin” until after marriage but considers backdoor access completely viable. It’s fine by me if it works for you and your people but it does not work for me and mine. What should I do? I’ve made it clear to him that he will not be doing it any more. I am not getting married for almost an entire year though because I want to wait till I’m 21. I don’t want to wait that long for sex though, help!

Lady, if you’re not even 21 yet, and you’re already engaged to somebody who has such opposing views, I would say get out! Celibacy is fine if you want it but not if you are not really into it anymore. I noticed that you never used the word “we” which is not a good sign. My first instinct is to tell you to break up and move on. Having to wait for 20 years to have sex seems a bit extreme to me, go have fun!

Miss Euphoria, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months now but are just starting to realize that our sex schedules are completely different. I prefer sex at night while he prefers the morning.

The obvious answer would be to have sex at both times. Isn’t that what all couples do? Anyways, I’m going with the less obvious answer which is compromise and do it in the afternoon.

Miss Euphoria, my friend is constantly reading your column and gets pissed every time she gets a paper without your advice. I want you to set her straight in your column since she doesn’t listen to me. She dates a lot of military guys and they all treat her like dirt. The last one she dated had a wife that my friend was never told about. Can you give her a shoutout and tell her to avoid military guys?

No darling, I cannot, sorry. I’ll post this on my facebook page and try to get some dialogue going on this. Thanks for reading!

Miss Euphoria is Alaska’s premier drag “entertainter” and the most beloved tranimal to ever flounce across the Arctic tundra! She writes an ongoing column for the Sun Star which is very “Dear Downton Abbey-esque” – somewhere between Carrie Bradshaw and Dear Abbey. Her expansive… wisdom and “life-changing advice” was cultivated in a religious CULTure known as Whitestone Facebook stalk her HERE and don’t forget to submit your questions

Disclaimer: Miss Euphoria is NOT a real sex therapist or health professional. The advice in this column is intended for comedic purposes only. Events or advice may be exaggerated for comedic effect.

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