Miss Euphoria: Work Butch
Miss Euphoria/ Sun Star Columnist
Jan. 28, 2014
Miss Euphoria, when, if ever, does hooking-up turn into dating? The other person and I haven’t labeled it anything more than hooking-up, but we meet up all the time and plan times to meet for dinner. I’m beginning to wonder…
Aww, yes – when does getting tail turn into a tale as old as time? It happens a lot more than most people would like to admit! As soon as you make plans to meet up more than two days out, it’s migrated from just hooking-up to something a little more serious. That is the euphoric truth, you’re welcome!
Euphoria, what are some of your favorite pick-up lines that a butch lesbian like me can use?
Umm, none. Pick-up lines are kind of totally over! That being said, a butch queen once told me that they wanted to stomp my yard. I still have no clue if that was some weird prison threat or a sweet pick-up line… so… let’s just say it worked. If you’re going to use one, go for absolutely most shocking so that no other line she hears after can ever surprise her as much as yours did.
What is your policy on nude selfies for those who want to live a “euphoric” life?
You should never EVER do it and especially never do it on Snapchat. That being said, I have a private inbox and if you really feel the urge, you can flood it with whatever. Wait, no, I think I’m kidding… DON’T do that.
Miss Euphoria, is anal sex required now, even for girls?
Well, it’s not required per se but it’s definitely trendy, especially if you don’t know about all the free condoms over at the Health Center. When your partner wants to fudge the rules (wink, wink), remember that it’s up to you whether it actually happens or not. You sound like you’re not into it, so don’t be afraid to say that. But I’m also told it can be fun to try everything… twice.
Miss Euphoria, I just found out that my boyfriend has been getting teased for dating me because apparently I look like a butch lesbian. What steps should I take to come across as the straight girl that I am?
Take NO steps in conforming for the irrelevant. You need to work… butch! Clearly, your boyfriend likes you for who you are, and it’s high time you do the same!
Hello, Miss Euphoria. What is your advice to a single mother looking for love and working part-time while going to school to be an educator?
While you are going to school for education, learn to love yourself. You sound like a motivated woman who has a plan and will to reach her goals. Don’t settle for less. The right person will come into your life at the right time, but at this point you have a baby, a job and an education to concern yourself with… everything else is none of your concern, darling!
Miss Euphoria, what is the best way to tell this guy I like that I have a crush on him?
In song. Try singing Vanessa Carlon’s hit song “Pretty Baby” and see how things go. If you’re nervous about singing, simply lip-synch to her music video. Every single man in the world likes to be told they are a pretty baby, and there is no exception – this plan is foolproof!
Miss Euphoria is Alaska’s premier drag entertainer. When she’s not prancing on the Chancellor’s List, she can be found studying Cancer… and other zodiac signs. Her exhaustive wisdom and “life-changing advice” was cultivated on a religious commune known as Whitestone.
Disclaimer: Miss Euphoria is not a real sex therapist or health professional. The advice in this column is intended for comedic purposes only. Events or advice may be exaggerated for comedic effect.