Miss Euphoria: Musings


Miss Euphoria/Sun Star Columnist
Oct. 8, 2013

Miss Euphoria, I think what you are doing is sick and wrong. The Sun Star has never been reputable or even factual but allowing you to smear your nonsense is just downright strange. Why are you so sex obsessed?

As I lay fingering myself, I found your question and it was so good that I stopped and decided to respond. First of all, thank you for submitting it 23 times just in case I might have missed it! I didn’t.

Your message was received loud and queer, but I’m thrilled you took the time to let me know how you feel. Some people are intellectuals but I’m more of an inte-sexual. My purpose is not to offend, although it’s titillating when I do. My purpose is to make people talk about sex.

I grew up in a place where the most sex ed I received was watching two pigs doing something that is still illegal in 18 states. No one should have to learn from that (I prefer the hard way). This column is for entertaintment purposes only. If you are being disturbed, seek the help of a professional. My inte-sexual experience can’t help with that.


UAF Alumni here. My husband’s penis is fairly curved and I am told that’s normal but it’s uncomfortable for me. When I try to talk to him about it, it comes across like I don’t like sex or think there’s something wrong with his anatomy. What do I do? Do you know of a way to make sex more enjoyable?

“To the left, to the left” he’s putting everything he owns in your box to the left. What do you do? Make sure you lean into the curve! If he’s coming at you sideways shift yourself and take it on your side. Let the banana teach you things… many many things! Also I do suggest, like my guidance counselor Beyoncé says, that you never let him think he’s irreplaceable.


Euph, my little brother just transferred to UAF. I am worried because he’s still a virgin and he’s in his junior year. He keeps saying he’s waiting for the right person but I’m worried there’s something wrong. What should I do?

Mind your own business, darling. Your brother’s sex life has nothing to do with you. You’re in Alaska, not Alabama.


Miss Euphoria, how do I woo the love of my life? I have two classes with him and have no idea how to let him know I’m interested.

Great question. I always do the doubled-eyed wink. It works almost every time because if they aren’t interested then you blame it on a seizure and it’s rude to be angry at someone having a seizure. If that doesn’t work casually slip your finger in his mouth during a conversation and see what happens.


Miss Euphoria, whose confusion with the terminology “Bachelor’s” in academia lead her all the way into her sophomore year, currently holds an eight-inch GPA. Ask her your dirty sex questions here.

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