Miss Euphoria’s Sex Advice

misseuphoria

Miss Euphoria/Sun Star Columnist
Sept. 10, 2013

Hi there, Miss Euphoria. I’m nervous about asking you a sex question without knowing a little more about who you are. Can you tell us a little more about yourself?

Yes I can! Let me see… two passions of mine are yoga and bird watching. Favorite yoga position: downward dog. Favorite bird: the white swallow. If you want to know more (and let’s just face it, you do), go check out my Facebook page!

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Miss Euphoria, I had such a great summer here in Fairbanks while my boyfriend was off in the lower 48. I met another guy and want to stay friends with my current boyfriend while making him an ex so I can date this other sexier guy. What’s the kindness way of breaking up with somebody and sincerely meaning that you want to stay friends with them?

You’re being kind of squirrelly, girl. Let go of your current boyfriend, but don’t require him to be friends with you. You can’t have all the nuts in the tree.

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My boyfriend and I are coming up on our one-year anniversary. As a gift, I asked him if there was anything special and sexy that he wanted me to do. He told me that he always has had the fantasy of me jerking him while at a coffee drive-thru and asked if I’d do it underneath his sweatpants. Should I do this? I am pretty sure it’s breaking the law.

Hey crazy, it’s your fairy drag mother, Euphoria. Don’t do it. This can be a fantasy that he uses to relieve himself when you’re having a girls night or you’re out of town. I consulted with a drive-thru professional, and she assured me that it would be disgusting and you’d be banned from ever returning, not to mention arrested.

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Miss Euphoria, I’m a guy who’s been hooking up with another guy who happens to be an athlete here at UAF. I have been trying to get him to come out, but he says that he’s not gay, minutes before he’s inside of me telling me how good it feels. Should I out him? He is kind of lying to everyone in his life.

You’re a hero, you’re providing a very valuable service for a Nanook. Keep it up. Should you out him? No. That’s a violation of his invented identity. Let him fool himself into thinking he’s whoever his daddy wants him to be, he’ll realize soon enough. In the meantime, keep in mind there are a lot of gay guys in the athletics department and most of them like to puck. *wink*

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If you’re going down on a girl and it smells like a dead rat, do you go for it or tell her to clean it up?

I smelled something repulsive when I got your little question… it smelled a lot like misogyny. I grew up in a CULTure that denigrated and objectified women and thankfully here at UAF that type of behavior is not tolerated. As a drag queen, I celebrate women through imitation and illusion and don’t take too kindly to such questions. Change your life.

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Darling Miss Euphoria, since my last, serious relationship, I’ve had no interest in “dating” but maintain a safely active sex life. My friends/family seem to think that there’s something WRONG with me because I’m not TRYING to find love. How can I explain that I’m happy, healthy & that being single is not (right now/for me) a one-way street to a lonely cat-lady life. Signed, Lusty Loner Lass

Lonely Lass, I was calmly stroking my longhaired cat when I got your question. Happiness is not something you can explain, so you should stop trying. Let them care about you and just enjoy your single life. Now let me get back to petting my pussy.

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