My life in college: Pitfalls of a karaoke bar

Moral Mildred/Sun Star Columnist
September 18, 2012

This week’s life lesson is all about judgement. And how very impaired it gets after seven cherry vodka sours.

Last weekend, my roommates and I went to a karaoke bar called The Rockin’ Rodeo. Obviously, it’s a very classy joint. Before starting a night full of bad life choices, my roommates decided that we were all going to dress as whorish as possible. Apparently that’s fun. My roommates were also adamant that this was Girl’s Night No Penis Involved. This seemed unfair to me, since dressing like street walkers but not wanting anyone to treat us like such made us very misleading.

So after lipstick, fishnets and pair of confidence-boosting heels, we headed out. My friend set up and open tab at the bar while the DJ set up our set list, and I prepared myself for public embarrassment.

Since I’m a one-beer-queer, I was in my happy place pretty much immediately. I was being obnoxious and having way too much fun serenading the entire bar.

After one rather loud rendition of Ray Orbison’s “Pretty Woman,” a guy walked over to me and whispered, “I have to tell you, I’m really digging the Sharon Osbourne thing you have going.”

Now, ladies and gents, it is common knowledge that alcohol gives people a false sense of sassiness. Low self-esteem is no longer an issue and doing the worm on a dirty bar floor is suddenly socially acceptable. I’m all for embracing your inner awesome, but guys that compare a girl to Sharon Osbourne will probably not too win many points.

Confused and not sure if I should be insulted or not, I stumbled back over to my girls. This guy continued to watch me for the rest of the night, which was both flattering and slightly unnerving. Now girls, we have all had to deal with the one douchebag at the bar that you really just want to go away forever. And guys, you’ve all had a friend who was macking on a girl who made it very clear that she would rather eat her own hair than let him buy her a drink. Dealing with such a scenario can be tricky.

Guys, I do not recommend trying to get the girl’s attention by singing her a meaningful song. Unless you’re Barry White, stick to something upbeat and sung to the bar in general. Girls, I recommend the same. While you might think dancing up on some guy while you embrace your inner Carrie Underwood is a good idea, it probably isn’t. In fact, you are most likely making the poor man extremely uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Last but not least, the final option is to just drink more. I chose the latter, and fully equipped with my false sense of sassiness, I asked Mr. Sharon Osbourne for a dance. And it all just went downhill from there.

To make a very long, embarrassing story short, let’s fast forward to the part where I end up in the back seat of a car with Mr. Sharon Osbourne while my roommate is getting jiggy with it in the front seat with Mr. Sharon Osbourne’s friend. There are some things a person can never un-see in life. That was one of them.

To put it into perspective, has anyone ever seen Titanic?  The dramatic hand swipe down fogged window?

So, ladies and gentlemen, alcohol is a beautiful thing. There is nothing wrong with going out with friends and having a good time and letting your inhibitions run wild. Take some risks, kid. But drinking in moderation is key. So, at the risk of sounding like a public service announcement, drink responsibly. Believe me, the next morning when you wake up with a five-layer burrito shoved in your pocket or your lipstick smeared down to your collarbone, a headache to rival ALL the headaches and a mouth that tastes foreign, you won’t be laughing.

You may be moaning and wondering what the hell happened, but laughing? No.

Moral Mildred writes a student life column detailing the ups and downs of living in Fairbanks and attending UAF.

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