My Life in College: The perils of being a senior

Moral Mildred/Sun Star Columnist
February 5, 2013

I’m a senior here at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, and by senior, I actually mean it is my fourth and final year. As a college student. Sometimes saying “I am a senior,” means that you’ve been in college for seven years because you suck at math. I also am absolutely awful at math, but since I’m a wizard I passed everything, round one.

I am super proud of myself, and also terrified. I have been in school for pretty much my entire I-do-my-business-in-the-actual-toilet life, and trying to figure out what to do with myself after graduation is probably going to give me ulcers. However, what makes everything even more difficult, is that I have zero motivation to do anything. I really just want to lay in bed all day, watch Netflix, browse Imgur and eat pizza until I can’t zip my jeans up anymore.

This is a serious illness, commonly referred to as senoritis. I wonder if anyone else here at UAF has caught it, because it seems like it is going around. Thankfully, senoritis is quite easy to self-diagnose, if you are aware of the symptoms. As someone with a pretty bad case of it, I thought I’d give you all a quick run down on the most common symptoms. Don’t be alarmed if you find yourself saying “yes” to a lot of what follows. Senoritis is usually not fatal.

1. Do you find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning? This differs from, say depression, because you feel quite happy. Perhaps you are even content with life. The problem is that, despite your good mood, you cannot find it within yourself to get up and take a shower because your bed is warm and you haven’t done your homework.

2. Do you find it difficult to do your homework? In more mild cases of Senoritis, homework is eventually completed, although typically it takes at least two hours longer than normal to do so. In more severe cases, your name doesn’t even make it to the top of the paper, and even though the semester started three weeks ago, you still don’t have your textbooks.

3. You are suddenly “sick” a lot: you find yourself finding reasons to justify emailing your teachers to inform them you have caught a cold, the flu or leprosy. In fact, you have become so good at rationalizing such an action, you actually convince yourself that you have a cold, the flu or leprosy.

4. You drink more than normal, and by drink I mean alcohol. Who cares if it is a Thursday and you have class in the morning? It is hip-hop night at KJ’s and you feel a strong desire to drop it like it’s hot.

These are the top four symptoms of senoritis. If you answered yes to two or more of these, you should give me a call. Maybe we could start a support group or something.

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