My Life in College: The perils of past me

Moral Mildred/Sun Star Columnist
April 16, 2013

Life sometimes sucks a lot more that I think is really necessary. This is a thought that travels through my mind more often as finals week approaches. Usually the dread that normally fills my stomach with a nauseating prickle is caused entirely by Past Me and her idiocy. I’m sure you all know to what I am referring.

Past Me is the you that decided to not do laundry and so now Present Me has to choose between not wearing underwear or turning the least rank pair inside out. Past Me is also the person that ate an entire large, pepperoni pizza and now Present Me is sitting on the toilet, wondering if her sphincter has been replaced with a volcano.

In most cases, Past Me is not well liked by Present Me, and in the case of my upcoming graduation and the week of finals, this premise holds true. I mean, it isn’t a surprise that finals week is going to occur; nor is it shocking that graduation is May 12. In fact, I downloaded some sort of countdown widget on my phone so I can stare at it longingly as the days go by and the twelfth of May approaches. The real problem, is Past Me.

Past Me thought it would be an excellent idea to save all of my really important projects and papers for now, because The Walking Dead is a really good show. Past Me also decided to half-ass a lot of the research that went along with these projects and papers because late-night Imgur is a roller-coaster ride of entertainment. This has forced Present Me to stare in horror at her agenda and wonder how in the seven hells she is going to get everything done.

The result is that I am emotionally unstable and liable to start crying for no apparent reason. Three times this week I, as quietly as possible, sobbed into my llama-shaped pillow and bemoaned the self-perceived injustices of my life. On Thursday I almost started crying during a test for no other reason than it was Thursday and I was taking a test. Sometimes, I cry in the shower because I think it’s poetic.

Really, Present Me is a basket case, and if she could get her hands on Past Me, violence would ensue. The stress of graduating, plus the stress of school, plus the stress of finding a Real Adult Job has combined to create a horrible, disgusting tangle of self-hatred and binge-eating. But because I am an extremely responsible adult, I refuse to take responsibility for my life as it is, and instead blame it on idiotic Past Me and her inability to do anything but watch Netflix and sleep.

These next few weeks are going to be brutal, and I’ll probably gain ten pounds, so I can add fat and ugly to my list of reasons why My Life Sucks. But fear not! Johnny Bravo has just been added to Netflix.

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