Obscure rituals give hockey players success

The following article is parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Rebecca Coleman / Fun Star Reporter
April 1, 2011

Every successful athlete has their own rituals and superstitions, some more extreme than others. Have you ever wondered what your Division I hockey team does to prepare for a game? Here are some of their secrets revealed.

Senior Ryan Hohl spends about an hour styling his hair. “We’ll have problems if he runs out of gel, so we always make sure to have an emergency stash,” said one of his roommates.

Junior Carlo Finucci colors his fingernails blue and yellow with Mr. Sketch markers before every game. “The scents keep him focused,” said a source close to the team.

Junior Scott Enders watches multiple episodes of "Spongebob" to keep his hockey edge.

Junior Scott Enders watches an episode of “Spongebob,” then an episode of “Glee,” followed by another episode of “Spongebob.” “It has to be in that order,” Enders’ rep commented.  “If he has time to cap it all off with an episode of Sesame Street, he’s golden.”

Senior Bryant Molle always does math homework. “When he finishes his, if he still has time to kill, he’ll do the other guys’ homework so he can help them with it after the game,” said the team’s tutor.

Junior Joe Sova builds an A out of hockey pucks on top of the Nanook rail before every game. Most people think the A stands for Alaska, but it really stands for Avalanche, the NHL team in Colorado. “It has always been Joe’s dream to play for the Avalanche,” said one of his friends. “Who knew he’d sign with the Devils?”

Junior Cody Butcher has a serious addiction to honey, so on game days, every food he eats is topped with the sweet, sticky substance. “He put honey on a cheeseburger once,” said a random Tilly-goer. “It was kind of gross, but whatever works for him.”

The goalies, Scott Greenham, junior, and Colin Rundell and Steve Thompson, sophomores, play “Twister” together. “It helps them stretch out, and whoever wins gets to start the game,” said the team’s trainer. “Greener [Greenham] is a master. Since [Chad] Johnson graduated, he’s never lost.”

Freshmen Eric Slemp, Cody Kunyk, Michael Quinn and Colton Beck play a few rounds of root beer pong. “The sugar pumps them up,” one teammate said. “Team Beck-Slemp dominated the beginning of the season, but for the last few weeks, Team Quinn-Kunyk took over.”

Senior Kevin Petovello “rocks out with ‘Guitar Hero,’” one source said. “Lately he’s been getting into the country version. He can play on expert level like nobody’s business.”

Sophomores Andy Taranto and Kaare Odegard have snowball fights that travel across campus. “It sucked in the beginning of the season when we didn’t have any snow because they had to use marshmallows,” said an innocent bystander who once got caught in the crossfire.  “The marshmallows were sticky.”

Junior Ron Meyers always drives to the Carlson Center early so he can lasso his teammates as they arrive at the rink.  “It’s kind of annoying, but he’s the cowboy, so what can you do?” one teammate said.

Junior Aaron Gens jokes around with everybody and comes up with stand-up comedy routines.  “If this whole hockey thing doesn’t work out for him, his back up plan is to be a comedian,” his adviser said.

It is easy to see why Alaska hockey is such a successful program.  As long as the guys stick to their routines, they should have a great year next year, too.

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