FUN STAR: Parking Services shake-down scam exposed

By Dianna Rupp

Web Editor

(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)

BREAKING- The results of an investigation into UAF’s Parking Services that has been ongoing since January 2014 were released Tuesday morning. The investigation itself was initially prompted by various complaints from students, faculty and visitors to the campus about the meters on their parking spots timing out too quickly.

The parking services man can be found hiding in the dumpster of the Eilsen parking lot. - Zayn Roohi / Photo Editor

The parking services man can be found hiding in the dumpster of the Eilsen parking lot. – Zayn Roohi / Photo Editor

The complaints primarily cited anecdotal evidence of the owner of a vehicle putting quarters into the meter for varying amounts of time (the lowest being 30 minutes), yet coming back within 10-15 minutes later to find the meter not only timed out, but a citation already issued and sitting on their vehicle with no parking enforcement officer in sight.

Perplexed by the sheer amount of people coming forward (as well as hoping to find a reason to appeal their own citations), senators of ASUAF wrote, as well as passed, a bill that allotted funds to a select few journalism students on the condition that they thoroughly investigate the reports from all angles and report back to ASUAF with their findings. While the investigation may have taken longer than expected, senators were certainly pleased, as well as highly shocked, by the conclusion.

While initial interviews and questioning of those within Parking Services yielded nothing but dead ends, the journalists eventually struck gold when they decided that a day long stake out may be more illuminating.

Perplexed by the sheer amount of people coming forward (as well as hoping to find a reason to appeal their own citations), senators of ASUAF wrote, as well as passed, a bill that allotted funds to a select few journalism students on the condition that they thoroughly investigate the reports from all angles and report back to ASUAF with their findings. While the investigation may have taken longer than expected, senators were certainly pleased, as well as highly shocked, by the conclusion.

While initial interviews and questioning of those within Parking Services yielded nothing but dead ends, the journalists eventually struck gold when they decided that a day long stake out may be more illuminating.

In a twist only M. Night Shyamalan could have predicted, the journalists claimed to have discovered the cause of the timing out meters: a Parking Service officer.

Watching from a nearby tree, one journalist observed a woman fill the meter and go inside the Eielson building. A mere 45 seconds later, the same journalist saw a man (later verified as Parking Service Officer Bradley Uppercrust III) crawl out of dumpster near the side of the building, walk to the meter, quickly empty it of all change and reset the timer, write a citation, slap it on the vehicle and then skitter back into the dumpster.

Surprised, confused and extremely disgusted, the report goes on to describe the five days that journalists continued to stake out the dumpster, only to observe the same event over and over. On the fifth and final day of the investigation, one journalist simply went up to the dumpster and lifted the lid, attempting to start discourse with Uppercrust.

Upon being cornered and questioned about his actions, Uppercrust simply hissed and spit in the journalist’s face. While the journalist was incapacitated, Uppercrust absconded. Unable to further locate the officer, the journalists were forced to cut their losses and released the report as is.

While Uppercrust has been missing since last Thursday, sightings have been reported around the campus of a lanky man crab-walking around lower campus late at night, rifling through trash cans and pinching unsuspecting passer-bys.

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