Resident assistants pack heat for Springfest

Ashleigh Strange/Fun Star Reporter
April 2, 2013

UAF Resident Assistants are eager to keep their residents in line at Springfest with Glock 22's.  For the time being they are using water guns. Ashleigh Strange/Fun Star

UAF Resident Assistants are eager to keep their residents in line at Springfest with Glock 22’s. For the time being they are using water guns. Ashleigh Strange/Fun Star

Resident Assistants have kept the dorms safe for many years. Their skills are challenged every spring when students get a three-day weekend in April known as Springfest. However, this year Springfest activities are about to transcend previous safety records as RAs are issued guns to deal with the crowds of rowdy students.

Residence Life First Year Experience Coordinator, Brad Bishop,  said that this plan has been a long time coming. “I’ve been here for years and Springfest is getting out of control. This is going to be how we run things from now on… corporal punishment.” According to Bishop, students were audibly laughing in the dorm hallways during the free day and sunning outside on the grass. Bishop shuddered recalling the students’ happiness throughout the weekend. “Smiles, smiles everywhere. It’s disgusting,” Bishop said.

The guns given to RAs are Glock 22 pistols, the same used by law enforcement officials. Assistant Director of Residence Life Jamie Napolski, turned one over in her hands as she spoke of their usefulness. “We always have problems with drunk students tottering around on that weekend,” Napolski said. “It’ll be much easier to deal with them after they’ve taken one or two rounds to the kneecap.” Napolski then smiled and pointed the gun at the wall whispering, “Bang.”

Students are invited to take part in their RAs’ gun training during the new program designed to put them in real world experiences: Humans vs. Zombies. All RAs are required to participate in the campus-wide event that pits students against the undead during a week-long nerf war.

Napolski says the exercise is meant to get RAs used to the idea of shooting students in point-blank situations and sniper positions. “We don’t want them getting squeamish or hesitating when they have to take out one of their friends.” Napolski patted a slight bulge at her hip, adding, “Luckily I don’t have that problem. I’ve been packing for years.”

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

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2 Responses

  1. Becca says:

    Hahahahaha! Awesome story, too bad it couldn’t be true 🙂

  2. Fred says:

    You’ll never take me alive round walker!

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