Russian Mobilizes Troops to Alaskan Border
This piece is from the April 1 issue, our April Fool’s Day edition of the newspaper: The Fun Star. It is intended as satire and not meant to be taken seriously. All information and quotes were made up.
Lenin Lau/ Fun Star Reporter
April 1, 2014
MOSCOW – Riding a wave of Nationalist pride after the annexation of Crimea, an emboldened President Vladimir Putin has now set his sights on Alaska.
Putin, shirtless and mounted on a bear, spoke to a special joint session of the Russian parliament about the successful annexation of Crimea, comparing it to the 1776 Declaration of Independence of the United States from The British Empire and their successful invasion and takeover of Native American lands. Putin also revealed his intention of sending Russian troops to Alaska in order to protect ethnic Russians living there, citing the strong Russian presence there in the form of Foreign Exchange students.
“Today we are giving Alaska the chance of self-determination,” Putin declared from atop his bear. “We gave Crimea a chance to declare independence, now we will give Alaska a chance to choose.”
Putin ordered Russian t
roops to the border to prepare for an invasion, ordering them to be ready for the mobilization into U.S. territory. He outlined his plans for a referendum to allow Alaskans to choose to join Russia or to be shot on the spot for voting against succession.
“We will have fair and open elections,” Putin explained while flexing his torso. “Russian troops will be at every polling booth making sure that Alaskans will be free to vote without government tyranny.”
Meanwhile, in Washington D. C., President Obama spoke to the press corps, exclaiming that the U.S. would impose more sanctions on Russia, notably on their exports of Russian brides and circus bears.
“These types of actions will not be tolerated!” said President Obama. “We cannot allow Russian to act with impunity, that is why I am proposing new sanctions and plan to work with European leaders to kick Russia out of the U.N. and other world clubs.”
The president went on to say that Russia crossing into US territory would constitute a “Red Line” being crossed, and if Russia dared to cross it, more “Red Lines” would be on the way. Obama stressed the importance of diplomatic solutions, stating that “words must triumph over tanks” and that “war is not the answer.”
Meanwhile, students at UAF were asked in a poll who Vladimir Putin was, surprisingly, out of the 100 students asked, one knew he “was a Russian guy.”