Schaeffer Cox: Militia leader, Sci-Fi enthusiast

The following article is parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Esme Broussard-Lambert / Fun Star
April 1, 2011

Schaeffer Cox: The sci-fi connection.

In a surprise move, militia leader Francis “Schaeffer” Cox has fired count-appointed attorney John Q. Public, after claiming he was nothing more than a tool of the federal government. Cox and several others have been charged with conspiracy to commit murder and kidnapping. He has also been charged with conspiracy to import unobtanium.

Unobtanium is currently only found on the planet Pandora, in the Alpha Centauri star system. The RDA corporation currently has exclusive rights to the importation and distribution of the rare mineral and is currently considering a civil suit.

Public, who has practiced law since Stardate 5507.93, was shocked by the decision. “I’ve defended time-traveling midgets, rebels on Hoth and even Keanu Reeves,” said Public. “I don’t have to take this kind of crap from him.”

Cox has stated that he has selected Hyper-Chicken to represent him as legal counsel. Hyper-Chicken, the well-known attorney from the hit reality series “Futurama,stated that while he may be a simple hyper-chicken from a backwoods asteroid, he is sure of Cox’s innocence. “If we ain’t successful in court, I intend to advise my client to plead insanity,” he added.

When asked if he thought Cox was insane, Hyper-Chicken responded by saying, “Well, for one, he done hired me to represent him.”

Since Cox’s arrest on March 10, nothing has been heard from the Second Amendment Task Force (2ATF), a “militia” “organization” Cox currently “commands.” According to a recently released FBI report, Cox stated that if a militia member was arrested, he would immediately implement their “241” (two for one) plan. The plan called for the kidnapping or murder of two state officials for every one militia member detained or killed.

According to the same report, Cox expected military assistance from a group of anonymous space smugglers calling themselves “Browncoats.” The “Browncoat” movement received national attention during 2002 after the release of the controversial television documentary “Firefly.” Due to its sympathetic portrayal of space piracy, Congress felt obligated to cancel the series.

“Neither myself nor Han [Solo] are gonna be involved with this guy,” said Malcolm Reynolds, a space pirate. “But, I gotta add, man’s got beliefs. Least he’s willin’ to fight for ’em.”

In an interview with KJNP-TV before his arrest, Cox claimed that the commanding officer of Ft. Wainwright offered him political asylum in the event of his arrest. Col. Timothy Jones, the installation’s commander, could not be reached for comment, but an aide close to Jones stated that the Colonel was not amused with the statement. “He pretty much went off on Cox,” said the aide. “He was like, ‘Who does Cox think he is? A rebel in Libya?’ Yeah, the Colonel wasn’t happy.”

What has struck a cord among many of Cox’s supporters is the court’s choice of legal counsel. According to court documents, the State of Alaska contacted the prestigious law firm of Lincoln, Who, Birdman & Q. The firm is best known for its successful prosecution of Ender Wiggin, the admiral responsible for the genocide of creatures known only as Formin. The genocide was covered in depth in Orson Scott Card’s Pulitzer Prize-winning history “Ender’s Game.”

“I can’t believe they got Harvey Birdman in on this,” said one 2ATF member. “Not only him, but that British guy. You know, the time traveler guy with the crazy hair?”

When Hyper-Chicken was informed of th’e states choice in prosecution, he released a single-sentence memo: “We are most definitely chicken-boned.” Efforts to reach Hyper-Chicken have been unsuccessful and Alexandra Cabot, a court staffer returning from Japan, stated she saw Cox’s lawyer board a flight to Rio de Janeiro.

“Which is odd,” stated Cabot. “Because Alaska Airlines doesn’t fly to Rio from Fairbanks. The TARDIS does, but the Doctor would never let him borrow it.”

A report discussing Schaeffer Cox’s dinosaur fight club, as well as his ties to teenage heart-throb Edward Cullen, will be printed in next week’s issue.

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