Students, staff mystified by large erection

The following article is parody. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

Andrew Sheeler / Fun Star Reporter
April 1, 2011

The mysterious white monolith.

Students outside the Moore-Bartlett-Skarland complex (MBS) gathered around a snowy erection on Thursday, March 24. The sculpture, thrusting out of the ground in front of the primarily freshmen dormitory complex, has students and university officials baffled as to what it represents.

“Maybe it’s a snow man with some very large feet,” said Miranda Nodaphallus, a freshman, “It looks happy to see me.”

“No, I think it’s a castle tower,” said fellow freshman Jacob Cox, “It even has a little minaret.”

The baffling bulge was highly visible. Students on both upper and lower campus were able to see the jutting monument, as were pilots in the cockpit of low-flying planes.

Don Balls, with Facilities Services, said the edifice offended him.

“It looks like a peni…” Balls paused, “a penitentiary. What sort of message are they trying to send, that UAF is a prison?” Balls and several other employees of Facilities Services were on hand to observe the stability of the snow structure.

Zack Longrod works with Balls and said that he was impressed by the tower’s girth.

“I feel strangely inadequate when I look at it. It’s sort of intimidating,” Longrod said. Longrod ran a hand along the shaft of the sculpture, noting it was incredibly firm. “It’s been erect for more than four hours now. Should we be concerned?”

University officials are considering what to do about the mysterious monolith. Doug Shaft, a university spokesman, said that the university would be unable to take it down as they lacked protection in the event of an accident. Shaft said that all people could do is hope for a cold rain shower.

You may also like...

6 Responses

  1. Alyssa Dunehew says:

    THIS IS BRILLIANT!!! Andrew, I’m practically crying I’m laughing so hard. This is amazingly well written!

  2. Ryan Duffy says:

    I want a bloody picture!

  3. Kelsey Gobroski says:

    Ryan, check out the print version. Pictures of the snow-white erection are plastered all over the center spread.

  4. aw says:

    OMG, where is this? This is too funny! haha, gotta love UAF!

  5. Editor-in-Chief says:

    After much demand, we have provided a photo of the enigmatic white monument. If readers have any ideas what it could represent, they are encouraged to email the Sun Star editor.

  6. aw says:

    hahaha, it’s not there any more… what a great article… LOVE it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *