Sun Star Love Gurus: Valentine's Day advice

Sun Star Love Gurus
February 12, 2013

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I’ve been dating the same girl for two years, and our relationship is great.  But we’ve run out of new date ideas.  Any suggestions?

Sincerely, Hopelessly devoted to dinner and a movie

Dear Same Restaurant Every Weekend,

You need some new experiences and feelings in your life.  Try attacking your girlfriend and putting her head in the toilet.  A swirly is something she’s probably never experienced one before or at least hasn’t had one since middle school.  All the excitement will get the adrenaline running!  Where you go from here is up to you, but it’s sure to spice things up.

Love, The Sun Star Love Gurus

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

Valentines Day is coming up and I’m alone. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely, I Don’t Want To Be Bored

Dear Bored on a Thursday Night,

Roommates all out with dates?  You can be too.  Try finding some actual dates, you know, the Middle Eastern kind that people eat with figs and pita bread.  Who needs love when you’ve got Middle Eastern snacks?  Not you, that’s for sure.  To truly make this a night to boast about, crank up some Persian pop music and try out your sweet belly dance moves to show off at your next party.  Your couple friends will be so jealous, we swear.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I’ve had classes with this one guy for literally years, and I’ve always thought he was pretty cute.  We finally had a conversation a few weeks ago.  Where do I go from here?

Sincerely, Girl next chair over

Dear Unnoticed for So Long,

When he says “hey, what’s the homework assignment again?” don’t roll your eyes because it’s obviously written on the board.  Yell “MY BODY” and hope that leads to a coffee date.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I am always hella friendzoned.  Help.

Sincerely, I want more, dammit!

Dear Friendzoned as Balls,

You’re too nice, obviously.  Isn’t that the ultimate friendzonee problem?  What you need to do is turn to a life of crime and debauchery.  Beat up some thugs, sell drugs, steal something expensive, do some jail time, kill someone’s pet, etc.  After that, no one will think you’re a nice guy.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

How do you let a guy down easy?  “I just want to be friends” is so overused, but “dude, I don’t like you at all” seems too harsh.  What should I do?

Sincerely, Man Magnet

Dear Attractor of Men,

It is best to flat out lie.  When he says, “Babe, you’re the one for me.”  You say, “Wow, you’re the first guy to talk to me since I got out of prison.  I never thought anyone would look at me like this again.”  This will probably get him running.

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

Dear Sun Star Love Gurus,

I have a significant other that wants to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t believe in such patriarchal constructs. What should I do?

Sincerely, Commercialized & Confused Feminist

Dear Valentines Veto,

Hide.  Honestly, dude?  You should just hide.  I suggest under the sink.  No one ever thinks to look there.  You can ride out the storm and reemerge on Feb. 15.  Just in time to go buy all the on-sale candy!

Sincerely, The Sun Star Love Gurus

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