FUN STAR: Police Blotter: April 1, 2013

Fernanda Chamorro/Fun Star Reporter
April 2, 2013

Have it your way… or not

March 19- Police reported to a domestic violence dispute at the Cutler Apartments after they received a call that the husband had blood on his shirt. When they arrived they found a 37-year-old woman and her 41-year-old husband yelling at each other. Police separated them and found that the “blood” was actually ketchup. The wife had pretended to stab him with her ketchup-covered hot dog after she became angry that the french fries he made were too crunchy. She stated she likes them soft and she said “this isn’t Burger King, he can’t always have it his way.” The husband was embarrassed and apologized for her actions. He was given a disorderly conduct warning and the wife was arrested and transported to the Fairbanks Correctional Center for attempted assault. She said that she is tired of crunchy fries and it is time for a divorce.

Staring from a window

March 19- Police received several calls from students about a girl who was staring at them from one of the Rasmuson Library windows. The callers said that the girl just stood there watching them and made them feel uneasy. Police went there to speak with the suspect and found that it was cardboard cut out of Justin Bieber someone had placed there. The cut out was taken down.

Special sauce robbery

March 20- Alaska State Troopers called campus police to assist them with a 31-year-old man in crutches wearing an adult diaper and bunny boots who was attempting to rob “special sauce” from the McDonald’s on Airport Way with an air gun. After UAFPD arrived, the man ran with his crutches, but did not get far. Officers found the man to be highly intoxicated. He was arrested and transported to the FCC, where he was charged with attempted robbery, public intoxication and disorderly conduct. The McDonald’s employees chose not to press charges since they were not placed in fear, but said they had a good laugh.

Four eyes… or more

March 21- Police arrested a 22-year-old female student who was running around nude and slapping people with glasses in the back of the head while screaming “bladow yaddi” and stealing the glasses when they fell off their face. Officers found the suspect from student descriptions, in her Bartlett dorm room. The woman claimed she did not know what they were talking about. Police checked her dorm and found that she was growing a marijuana plant in her closet with over 20 pairs of glasses sitting in a pile nearby. She admitted she did not want to have to pay for glasses and was searching for the perfect set to fit her prescription. She was charged at the FCC for the possession of drugs, assault and for theft. The glasses were not damaged and are being returned to their owners. Police are still investigating what “bladow yaddi” means.

Like mother, like son

March 24- UAF police cited a 26-year-old male student for disorderly conduct after he purposely spilled coffee on the tables in the 23-hour room in the library while yelling “I’m tired.” The student said he was filled with anger after having to return to school following spring break. He told police it was his way of letting out his anger as he poured the coffee on his failed midterm papers. His mother called in to say she fears what his reaction may be to finals and has asked the court to consider the death penalty. Police then located his mother selling cocaine out of a hot cocoa stand on West Ridge hill. She was arrested for drug possession and selling drugs.

This article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *