Fun Star: Police Blotter: Present – Eternity

This article is a work of satire, and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, and any quotes should not be regarded with any degree of seriousness.

Police Station on Fire.jpg

The Whitaker Building, constructed in 1973, previously held UAF's emergency services, including the police department. The building was engulfed in flames on March 24. Although officials could not comment on whether or not there was a fire during or after flames were sighted enveloping the building, officers hung a banner out the windows to reassure the concerned masses gathering 500 feet away. Molly Putman/Layout Editor Photo credit: Molly Putman


3/24/2017 4:20 p.m. – A fire engulfed the Whitaker building on campus late Friday afternoon with flames so tall they were visible from lower campus, according to witnesses.

An investigation into the fire has been concluded by the police department, however UAF Police Chief Steve Goetz refused to comment on the incident, citing that releasing that information would violate the privacy of the organization.

“I can’t confirm or deny anything about a fire that may or may not have occurred,” Goetz said, standing in front of the burned-out police headquarters.

Crime Vanquished

3/25/2017 5:09 p.m. – A new crime prevention strategy combining posters and hypnotic suggestion has eliminated crime on campus entirely. Posters with catchy slogans like “I don’t have time to do crime,” “Be a minimal criminal” and “Blah blah blah, I’m no scofflaw” were hung up around campus, and subliminal messages were printed in the Sun Star and broadcast on KSUA 91.5 FM. Crime is now over.

“Posters have always been effective in the past,” said Nona Name, a third-year biology student. “I mean, look at all the positive results the Title IX awareness campaign has had. UAF has had a stellar track record ever since.”

There is nothing else to report in this week’s police blotter, as there are no crimes on campus. The police have had little to do and resorted to office games of ‘cops and robbers’ to keep their reflexes sharp in the event of a crime. However, some critics have stated such things are unnecessary as there are no crimes on campus. At the police station, there is no crime. In the wood center, there is no crime. In the dorms, there is no crime. Especially in the parking lots, There. Is. No. Crime. If you think you’ve seen a crime, police advise staring directly into the sun.

Deeper. Deeper. Keep staring. Now. Was that really a crime you saw? No. It was not. Because there is no crime. Strategic pathways “Phase X” would not allow something so abhorrent as criminal activity. There is no need to file a report. There is no need to take action. There is no crime. No hay crimen en el campus. Il n’ya pas de crime sur le campus. W kampusie nie ma przestępstwa.

kampus heç bir cinayət yoxdur. В университетском городке нет преступления. Дорогой боже, помоги мне.

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